When You Have To Start At The Beginning...Again

After 4 days of no exercise or training and only 4 hours of sleep last night, I woke up in a pool of sweat with my clothes and sheets completely soaked.  It is reminiscent of the flu I had in February, but it is not the flu.  But alas, I am up and awake while everyone sleeps.  So this is a good time to blog.

I am going to start this blog in reverse order- maybe it will make more sense.  This is the fluid that was drained out of my knees on Tuesday.  There was no forewarning this would happen.  On Saturday through Monday I worked some big hospital days and didn't run at all with the exception of 2 easy miles with Dave just to chat.  On Tuesday I did my normal track workout- 4 x 800, 2 x 400 with friends.   We run it at an 8 minute pace people- not setting the world on fire and incredibly slower than I have ever run track workout in my life.  I don't move well anymore, and running never feels good anymore.  There is very little pleasure in it when I do it, but I ultimately just love the sport and keep thinking if I will just hang on one more minute, things will feel better.  Workout done, took Isla to school, went to work, picked Isla up, finished paper work at home...and then couldn't walk.  My left knee had swollen to the size of a grapefruit with no warning as it hadn't had any unusual or injury preceding pain running that morning.  8 hours later my right knee swelled too.  For two days I could not walk or bear weight.  I was in 9/10 pain.  I had never felt anything like it.

At first I thought to go see an Ortho doc, but as both knees swelled I wondered if I shouldn't be seeing a Rheumatologist instead.  My dad has RA.  I have hadcold sores my whole life, followed by Epstein Barr Virus, and two years of feeling horrible.  It was not out of the realm of possibilities that something autoimmune was going on.

I went to the ortho doc because he was the only one that could fit me in.  I got the very normal, "oh you run.  This is arthritis.  Your knees are not healthy.  Modify your training."  Modify from what I said.... 8 miles in 4 days?  Hardly excessive???!!!!  I haven't gone over 30 miles a week in the past month and that took forever to build up.  And before that it was even lower!  I am not triathlon training.  There is nothing excessive in this picture.  As usual, I had no answers and felt defeated.  I have a doctorate degree in physical therapy and a 25 year degree in running/ 12 year degree in triathlon.  I understand training load.  I begged him to test for further problems, but he wouldn't.  If my knees have been this bad since I was 20, what if there was a condition that was missed all along?

(And yes, I am still going to get and appointment with a Rheumatologist.  What if we have blamed my incredible knee damage on soccer and running as a 20 year old when really I was damaging it from another inflammatory process?  The flare up was so sudden, so significant, so debilitating!  I have never encountered this in my life!)

But, what he did do was drain off all of that fluid and put cortisone in my knees.  2 days later and I can mostly walk again.  Not pain free, but I am moving.

So, that is where I am.  Scared.  Frustrated.  Pissed.  I have been trying so hard.  SO DAMN hard for 2 years and 5 months- the amount of time this has been going on.

On to my last race...

My recent race:  The ATR10k 2018 in March- Starting Over

- My A goals were unquantifiable:  I wanted to feel good, which I mostly don't anymore.  I mostly didn't at this race either, but did not feel near as bad the 5k I did with Laura, so that was positive.  I also wanted what I thought would get me top 10 in AG which was sub 50.  Which you can't predict and I didn't get.  But it gave me a reason to try to run faster rather than be satisfied with just finishing.  I am still trying to race when I am out there.  My brain is willing, my body is not.
- My B goal was a sub 50:  I went 50:04
- My C goal was to beat my time of 51:21 from when I was 20 and first did this race.  Yes!  This was my 20th anniversary of this race, and more importantly my 20th anniversary of having the courage to go run a road race all by myself, knowing no one, being slow, and enjoying it anyway.

I paced well.  Felt "okay" but never good.  Every run I do is a massive struggle from the first quarter mile, no matter what the pace is.  I would go faster if I could, but my body won't move.  But this was the same pace I held for the 5k 2 weeks earlier so it was promising.

Which brings me here.  Last Saturday I needed to run long, but Isla had 2 birthday parties, Dave had training, and we had friends to go visit that evening an hour away.  We met our friends near a great trail and I wanted to go running, even if I only had time for 3 miles.  Isla really wanted to come, so I scraped MY run and made it OUR run, which looks like some running and a lot of hiking and exploring.  And it was beautiful, and bonding, and perfect.  We even got lost, which added drama to everyone's night.  We were cold, it was raining, and we were lost.  But we laughed about our "Adventurer's Club" and just talked about how amazing it is that we can run and be with nature.  And all of this to say I am very selective on when I give up my time as a mom.  While I do sometimes miss a school drop off or a dinner with the family to fit in a short workout, I am mostly mom.  Because while seeing your mom train is super inspiring and cool, what is really cool is when mom is with you physically and being present in your life.  We are forging our bond and we are tight.  That means more to me than any medal.  And I say this NOT to say that you can't be a mom and an excellent athlete.  You CAN!  You WILL!  But to say for me, right now if I cannot get healthy enough to compete, I am so glad I find so much joy in my family.  No doubt I want both mom and athlete, but I am glad that being a mom brings me a great deal of happiness.

I proved to myself in the first 2 years of her life that I could compete again.  I qualified for Boston on my own and easily.  I set a few course PRs in running races.  I did two half ironman in the 5:02-5:10 range.  Not PRs, but great for self- coaching and breast feeding for 2 years.  I know my sports and I love them.  My body is failing me NOW, but I really do know if I can just keep looking forward and heal I will be back to racing, but mostly back to LOVING to be out there.  Which I did.  And which I still do in my heart.

So, wish me luck.  While motherhood is easier now with a slightly older kid and I should be blowing life away, I seem to be in my worst spot.  It is a complete regression to the injured and sad athlete I was at 26 years of age.  I figured it out then, and I am hoping I can figure it out now.  Hugs, support, suggestions.....all welcome.

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