#NOLAlife Hanging out with Isla at French Quarter Fest
I was only able to convince her to wear this dress because it had whales on it. Otherwise, she only wants to wear pink dresses that twirl.
Easter party dance floor fun
And it is time for us to hit the pool again!
Isla and her friend Claire are hot messes almost every single day by the end of school. They like girlie things, but these two love getting dirty as well.
This is Isla and her best friend Mary. I didn't know it was possibly to have a best friend at 3-years-old, but it is.
So, I literally didn't sleep tonight, although I let myself toss and turn for 4 hours. This has been happening a lot lately, and I am not sure what to do about it. If I take melatonin to help me sleep, I probably won't want to wake up to run in the morning. So, it is a catch-22 as I need have both sleep and exercise in my life.
Part of the reason I haven't blogged is I just don't even know where to start. I don't know how to put it down in words? I have not given up on triathlon, but it has given up on me it seems. I am still putting myself in a place every day to improve, but I am not seeing any results. Not a single bone thrown my way to help me see some positive things in my future.
Bike: I have a new bike and a non-aggressive new fit to get me started again. I am riding 2-3 x week- maybe 60 total miles? I have met a couple of friends. I don't have a training group, but I do have 2-3 guys that will pedal with me. My HR is really low on the bike for me, and I am having trouble bringing it up. Most rides are Z1-Z2. Even pushing it as hard as I can, I have only made it to about 165 HR. For comparison, I used to easily hold 170 for over an hour in a race. So, to barely be able to get 1 minute at 165...there is so much work to be done.
Run: 27 miles, 26 miles, 30 miles are my last 3 weeks. This mileage, while it used to be very light for me for many years, is now hard. My posterior tib tendon has had tendonitis for the past year. It hurts. I need to treat it more aggressively and I haven't. My running is slow. I can't hold a tempo run at all. 8:30 min miles are tempo to me now and I can barely do 1. Gina and Charles want me to do a fall marathon with them desperately. I want to as well, but I just won't go out and run a 4++ hour marathon and put my body through that if I can't turn this around and see some sort of progression. So, my goal is to keep trying to sort this out in order to be able to run with my friends. I am going to the track, and even though I am running the same times I ran as a pregnant runner, I am trying. I am not sure I need anymore exclusive low HR training as I have done that for the past 2 years with zero results.
Swim: 0-1 x week by myself. Sad and lonely. I still love to swim, I just don't have a group anymore.
I don't want to get a coach until the health issues are sorted. I got tired of the start/stop process the past 2 years. It was not the coach's fault- it was truly that every time my mind and heart were motivated, but my body wouldn't cooperate. I never made it to start lines and could never get training off of the ground. And you guys know me- I am all in on training. If I can't be, something is wrong.
And that is what I have to keep telling myself. It is easy to beat myself up and think I have "let myself go." But really, that is not my personality at all. I am a committed person, and I have to remind myself of that. I have been getting up daily and training for years, even recent years, so I haven't gone anywhere but to work. I have to give myself a hug and remind myself that when things get righted, this ship WILL sail. I am not a quitter. I am not a half-ass athlete. This is not a symptom of my athlete personality, although it is easy to point the finger at myself and attack myself as a lazy mom. But, no one who knows me would ever peg me for that, so my job is to keep trying until I crack this thing, and then I will be back in business.
The next step for me is OBGYN. After 2 years of muscle loss, a non-responsive body to any type of training, and NO BABY, it is time for this 39-year-old to get her hormones checked. I attempted this twice already, but the practitioners didn't take me seriously. No one listens to the adult weekend warrior that knows something is wrong with her body because she runs 4 min/mile slower than she did months before. But, now that I have been 2 years of trying for baby #2 without getting pregnant, I think someone will listen.
Race schedule: I have penciled a few things in, but have committed and signed up for nothing. I was of the mindset of "racing myself into shape" as I did post knee surgery in 2010. It worked really well when I did that! But, I am not sure that is the right strategy right now.
You know what scares me? The fact that for the first time in my life I am not even sure I could run 2-3 miles faster than an 8 minute pace. That is a bit of what holds me back from racing. And it is not the threat of a poor clock time that bothers me as I have always been willing to run slow if it takes me to the next step. It is the feeling that I get when I am out there where I feel so weak during my attempts to push myself. It is such an odd and ugly feeling as if I am gaining nothing, not even fitness.
Hope this doesn't come across as whining. After 2 years of dealing with this, the whiney phase is over. But, I do feel a disconnect socially with the sport, but I am internally just as connected as before. I just want to explain my absence but let you know I still love to race (or would love to race!) and haven't just given up completely on this sport I love.
1 comment:
Hugs and lots of hugs from me. Really hope you get some answers soon.
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