Maybe?

I did a little review and found that I did no exercise for the past 10/21 days. My weekly hours were 1, 6, 4 and consisted of "20 min jog with Dave" and "miserable, forced 20 minutes on the trainer."  I felt awful at zone 1 and couldn't even do zone 2.

Dave told me that it is impossible to be fit all of the time, year after year.  I would ask him, "do you think the really good athletes get super out of shape like me?"  Like a good husband, he always answers 'yes' to these questions.

And while not training has been detrimental to me, it has been a huge benefit to everyone else.  I am suddenly available for margarita night more often than not. 

I finally went to see an allergist...my 6th doctor visit in 2 months.  The good new is, after being stuck in the arm 80 times, I now know that I am allergic to very few things (some trees and some weeds).  And, like I already predicted, the problem is not allergies.

He also told me to stop taking all allergy medicine they have prescribed me, which was good, because I wasn't taking it anyways.  So, this was great news, and I have the appointment with the big doc in a few weeks to review all systems- we will look at everything- blood work, viruses, adrenal/hormonal, etc...I feel like I am finally working with a team that wants to help me get better in the safest and healthiest way. 

But, I do have a raging infection.  Whether or not there is something else going on, this is obvious and treatable on the CT scan.  And, I am happy to say that after starting one more try at meds.....

I ran today for the FIRST time in months like my normal self.  I mean, it was the difference between night and day.  I couldn't believe it.  It just felt sooo much closer to normal and easy.  My body was not destroyed and controlled by sickness.  1 mile wasn't a struggle. I was so happy!!!!!!!!!!  I was able to work, clean the house, cook, exercise.  It was great!

It has been the first day in 3 months I have not felt like I had the flu.  I don't know if it will last, so I am not going to push anything, but I am hopeful and happy.  Moving, working, and living is a part of who we are.  When I lose that, I am not myself. 

So now, onwards and upwards!!!!!  

Once I finally accepted being sick, I started making the most of this "off-season."  I think I am almost completely caught up with the Kardashians now.  I also finished Open by Andre Agassi (frickin' awesome-must read) and a bunch of romance novels.  And, might I recommend The Hot Chick as your next movie?  Usually not my type of movie, but I could not stop laughing out loud. 

So what is next?  Completely get in the clear.  Do some gentle exercise when I can and build back up!  and then....hit the end half of the season like a prize fighter!  :)))))

Closer to Home

Thanks to the Humane Society, Azumi has a safe space to wait for her forever home.  This was the result of faith, LOTS of tears-DAILY tears (wonder why I have been a basket case lately?), being told NO many times, and not giving up.  I listened to Tony Robbins tapes to help me get through this, I am not kidding.  I learned that if we want something bad enough, we have to be willing to burn every other bridge till the only bridge left is the result we want.  To succeed, there can be no other option.

Bully breed dogs are some of the most abused and neglected creatures on earth.  Not just because people mistreat them with fighting, but also because they are the last dogs to be given a home, a spot in a rescue, or a second chance.  95% of rescues won't help a dog like her- trust me, I have asked.  Ironic how the dogs that need it the most, get it the least. 

Luckily for me, I have the honor of fostering her for 3 weeks.  I can honestly say I was very, very sad to drive home from work yesterday and realize Azumi was not waiting for me.  I cried and cried when she left.  I miss her wags and smiles.  Hopefully someone else will get that love. 

Here she is, going into the Humane Society.  She is looking so good.  But, this picture really does make her look bigger than she is.  Funny how camera angles can do that. 

Here is an outake picture that I posted just so you can see her spine and bones still showing through.  Looking better, but still have a bit to go.  :)

Events and Emotions

I am normally the catalyst for my own change.  Lately, though, this girl has had a bad motivator.  (Star Wars, anyone?) 

Let's be honest, my drive has plummeted with each challenge.  But what has really gone south has been my ATTITUDE!!!!

I didn't give up early in the year.  I persisted!!!  But, I noticed that as the year went on, I wore down under the challenges.  My usual coping mechanisms (wine and chocolate) were not working.  I wasn't persisting!

Tony Robbins shares an idea that over-achieving personalities (sometimes me) tend to focus on controlling events rather than controlling their emotions. But the most successful people really spend a great deal of time learning to control and use their emotions for success. 

Ding Ding Ding!!!!

I was overwhelmed when I couldn't control some events.  Those pity party and cry fests didn't seem to help me one single bit.  (well, Dave did buy me flowers one day.  He shouldn't reward my bad behavior like that! :)

But honestly, I stopped looking for solutions and let the motivation go and the emotions turn sour.  It is time to get back to bringing that positive spirit back into my training.  No quitting!

Time to stop worrying about events I can't control, and work daily on my ATTITUDE and the control of my emotions. 

Okay, so IMLOU is out.  Leadman 250 is out.  It was a sad reality, but it is now no longer sad, it is just part of the schedule change that has to happen for me this year as I continue to push, learn, and grow.  

So, what things are motivating me today to persist?

• A stellar 100 mile finish by Kevin Leathers.  Congrats, friend!
• An email from my Crossfit "coach" asking, where have I been?  
• Seeing some friends like Angie and JV run 16 miles followed by a 5k race on Sunday.
• My husband going to the gym every single day to rehab his knee and back to try to play soccer again.
• My sister waking up early and going to her new gym.
• Going on small 1 and 2 mile runs with Dave.  In our 14 years together, this is the most running we have ever done together!
• Lucho crushing the Leadman record. 
• Laureen's Breck Epic Mtn Race performance
• Charlie's positive attitude about missing Leadville 100 for a mandatory school ceremony
• Kari lining up for AGNats despite a year of up and down illness
• Julia.  I don't know that she did anything :)  She is just always on my mind, inspiring me through her strength. :)
• Lesley and her mother...qualifying for Kona at the same race!! Read the article here!

Okay, that should be enough to get me going through the week! 

Wednesday Stuff

Not too much going on around here. I am caught in a cycle of rest, train, sick.  How much rest do I need before it is okay to train? I can't quite figure it out yet.  I tried a 2 hour bike today and spent the rest of the day feeling like I had just done an ironman with the flu.  I ended up cancelling my date with Elvis tonight at the Candlelight Vigil.  I just couldn't see myself standing for several hours.  I hope I get this all figured out soon. 

I did do something productive today by working with Azumi on a leash.  It is pretty obvious no one taught her anything before I found her, so she is a big "puller."  After about a quarter of a mile she chills, but it is a quarter of a mile too long.  So, today we worked on walking with a loose leash- no pulling.  She is getting it, but not there totally.  It is going to take some consistent practice.  Plus, she loses all focus when she sees someone in the neighborhood and wants to kiss everyone. The good thing is, she is eager to please. 

 It is really funny, too, when I tell her to come back and get close to me.  I use a finger to point to where I want her to come, and she kisses it every time.  It is hard not to laugh at her. 

So, trying to get everything finalized for her...  her new mom-to-be is a great friend of mine and is going to make a perfect match for her.  So excited!!!!!!

Dead Elvis

It is Dead Elvis Week here in Memphis.  I am definitely in the spirit.  I have my bedazzled Elvis shirt all ready to go and my sequined candle.  So, Wednesday night, Candlelight Vigil....who is going with me?  

Today I was telling one of my patient's that I am definitely going to the Candlelight Vigil, and he started telling me his "Elvis stories."  He swears they were neighbors growing up, when Elvis lived on Alabama street.  My patient said that later, his uncle worked for Elvis as the security guard at the gate at Graceland.  Of course my patient says he was also friends with Elvis.  So, he busts out a couple of pictures that he swears he took of Elvis when he was over there.  And, to make my Dead Elvis Week complete, he gave me one.  Looked pretty legit to me.  And even if it isn't, I appreciate his Elvis enthusiasm. 

And, Azumi and I have some great news to share with you at the end of the week.  Someone else is about to fall prey to her kisses!

Single Speed Fun

I am a step closer to liking the mountain bike.

With some last minute hustling, I scored some borrowed materials from Lucia, my Xterra superstar friend, and entered a very small and short mountain bike triathlon.

Borrowed shoes and a borrowed single speed in hand, I walked into transition looking like I knew what I was doing.  I have never ridden a single speed, so I took a quick spin around the parking lot and that was it.  No time for anything else.

I started to get really nervous.  What was I doing?  I don't belong here!  I don't know how to ride a mountain bike, much less a single speed!

I talked to the race director and begged him to move me out of the elite wave to the age group start.  He refused and told me to "man-up."  So, I snuck behind his back and went to the timing people and had them change me.  LOL!  But seriously, it was about safety.  I was going to endanger everyone if I was in the way on the bike. 

Then it was time to go.  No time for worries.

The swim was fun.  I was super slow, but I had no pain in my shoulder so I was pleased with the result.

I was a total goob in transition.  I took twice as long as everyone else trying to get everything together...and I was a total dork putting on my big old Camelbak, of which I only took one sip. But hey, if I needed enough water to last me the day, at least I had it!  ha!

Then I started to ride.  Of course I couldn't get clipped in, as I don't ride egg beaters.  But, I figured it out in time and started to go.  I was really nervous with all of the other people riding around me and passing me.  It is hard to describe, but if you ride a mountain bike even a small amount, you are probably faster and better than I.  So, within the 1st mile, I panicked with some people around and went off of the trail.  But, I didn't fall off.

I regrouped, let all of the speedies pass me, and then started to ride at my granny pace.  At first I hated it.  The panic was so high.  The danger of trail riding was too much.  I swore never to ride a mountain bike again.

I pulled over and let some more people pass me.

Then I started to ride like a granny again.  But, more importantly, I started to enjoy myself.  Mountain biking at my granny pace is fun!

I ended up riding with one other guy behind me for the rest of the course.  I offered to let him pass, but for some odd reason I think he enjoyed my company and enjoyed encouraging me and he didn't take the pass.  We just talked our way through the rest of the ride.  I made it through the rest of the trail...no falls....no broken pelvis.  I did it!

And I LOVED the single speed.  It is my new favorite bike.  Lucia better hide it from me!

Off of the bike and onto the nice trail run.  I am not fast right now, but these legs have lots of miles on them from the past year, so the run was easy and enjoyable.

And with that, I was able to finish my first mountain bike triathlon and experience being a newbie all over again.  It was a lot of fun.  I have ZERO desire to race mountain bikes, but I would like to participate in more events where I can go my safe speed.  I greatly admire my friends that ride so hard and fast through the trails.  Their skill is amazing.

But, wouldn't you know it, I woke up this morning sick.  Yup....caught a cold.  Nose so swollen I can't breathe out of it, horrible head and body aches.  No resolution of symptoms over the day.  I have felt awful and have stayed home resting today.  I think my body is looking for ways to get and stay sick.  Unreal.  I keep saying this all has to pass eventually.  I am definitely upping the veggies, fresh fruit juices, etc..  But, it certainly reaffirmed my position that I do not need to be doing any ironman training or ironman racing right now!

My Off Week

 Sweet Azumi getting some belly rubs! 

I have done absolutely nothing.  I slept in (well, as much as you can with work) every day.  No early training.  Nothing.  I came home...watched Olympics, ate dinner, hung out with Dave and the dogs, and drank wine.  I even went to a cookout at our neighbors on a Wednesday night.  Unheard of!  I didn't set a foot forward on a run.  My bike is just sitting there.  The pool was abandoned.  No training.  No gym.  No nothing. 

Alyson asked me to join her and Lily on the trails last night.  I told her I was not training this week, but I would hike or walk.  And walk and talk we did.  It was amazing fun. 

Alyson walking the yellow trail....

 Cayenne, Roo, and Lily (Alyson's pup) after some time on the trails.  (Azumi stayed at home...I don't think she needs to be hiking 1+hours quite yet).

***warning, small rant.  I probably should take this out, as it is really not a big deal and not what this post is about, but since I posted it, it is staying.  Sorry for the negativity! :)
It was hard taking time off.  I felt out of shape before this, and I definitely feel more so now, but I think the good rest will do my body such good in the long run.  And, BOYS (and there have been several of you), I don't need you to point out how I have gained weight, stomach pudgy, etc.  When you get super sick and stop training and struggle as I have, I won't say a thing to you except to encourage you.  So, I expect the same to come back to me.  If one more guy comments on my lack of fitness or weight gain, well, I probably laugh it off like I do now, but I do get pissed off deep inside.  This is about encouragement and improvement, not criticism and perfection.  Rant over.  Funny how I can just say it all on here, but when confronted with it in person, I don't have a word in response.  I must be one of those slow-thinking, non-witty people. 

The great thing about the week off is I feel ready to go "participate" in something with friends again.  I hate mountain biking.  I always hurt myself and I suck.  But, I am going to mountain bike tonight and try to enjoy it.  I am going to try to enjoy the trails and the camaraderie....enjoy feeling like a huge newbie goob, and get back out there.  

Redirect

The decision was tough, but it was right.  I am going to cancel IMLOU.  I think I did everything I could with rest, severely under-training in the hopes of feeling better, and keeping faith that I could still go out there and have fun even if I wasn't iron-fit.  But, in the end, being sick for so long was just too much to ask my body to overcome.  All of the antibiotics, steroids, and just general loss of fitness did a good number on me.  I was very tired of struggling through workouts feeling so poorly and knowing things weren't right.  I don't have to be perfectly fit to do an ironman (point in case, IMTX), but I do need to be healthy, and that I am not.

It was unfortunate and poor timing to get sick when I did and for it to last as long as it has.  But, it is all part of sport!  I can reflect on things I could have done differently after IMTX.  I can also just appreciate the fact that sometimes we get sick.  I work in healthcare with sick people.  It is going to happen.  Everything will roll around again to good.  :)

A huge thank you to my husband.  He always knows how to give the best encouragement- pushing me to be a better athlete, consoling me and helping me redirect when a change in plans needs to happen, and never batting an eye when I drain our bank account with nothing to show for it.

I have hardly been sad, though, when I have so much other awesomeness around.  My bike rides have been replaced with slow walks with Azumi!!!!!I have done zero training, and tons of dog walking since making the decision. 

Azumi is a beautiful girl.  She is quiet, patient, and obedient.  She makes Rooney and Cayenne look like the worst dogs ever. 

She is putting on a little weight and starting to look a little healthier!   I have been concerned someone in the neighborhood was going to call the cops on me when they saw me walking her around. 

I work with a lot of dogs at the Humane Society.  When I tell you that Azumi is a GREAT dog, I mean that.  I love a lot of dogs, but they are not all easy.  This dog is a dream.  If you know someone interested in a quiet, loving, very easy-going American Bulldog mix, please send them this way.  I would love to find her a home before she ends up in the chaos of a facility.

This is a little video of her- horrible directing and acting by me.  And, if you haven't ever heard my voice over the phone or in person,  you are in for a shock.  "Country" doesn't even begin to describe it.

A DNF and Some Hard Knocks

Overdue non-race report.  Getting your first DNF doesn't really make for great blogging motivation.

Not too many pictures from the race since I only finished the swim!!!!

Everything started off relatively okay.  I was 10th from last on the start list in a time trial start, which is never good for me.  I should have emailed the RD and asked him to move me up.  I knew it would be tough weaving through people....and now I know, not only is it tough, it can be a little unsafe on roads open to traffic.  But anyways, I started at the back, and had what was for me a solid enough swim.  I have been able to swim more consistently.  The shoulder diagnosis is still Parsonage Turner Syndrome, and I did have an MRI and EMG to confirm the nerve damage.  I still have a lot of atrophy, but I am able to swim without pain so I do.  It is a lot better than it was 3 months ago, so I was super happy to make my way through the swim and feel like I was going forward. :)

 Fellow Wattie Ink Teammate Chuck Rose- I was looking forward to crushing the race with him.  He did his part- 2nd OA!!  I fell a little short on my end (no pun intended....:)

I was working my way through the bike and really trying to push myself.  Having not done a short race in a year, I knew I would have to try extra hard to get into that pain zone.  The ride seemed to be going as expected....not feeling spiffy and not used to going "fast," but I was passing people and making up ground.  The short version of the long story is I crashed out on a curve about 4 miles from the finish- and I found out that a guy had clipped me from behind.  I just wasn't really sure what happened as one minute I was riding hard, and the next minute I was sliding across the highway.

I had the good fortune to go down in front of a bunch of firefighters.  Rescue by firefighters is a good way to DNF.  :)  It hurt, but I was fine.  Nothing broken- brain intact.  I tried to get back on the bike and just finish, but the bike had some crash issues with the brakes and derailleurs.  I couldn't get the wheels rolling right, so I ended up hitching a ride (from a firefighter, of course:)  to the transition. 

I was extremely sad to not finish.  I got a little choked up for a minute, but I just talked myself through the process.  What am I supposed to learn from this?  As I made my way to meet my friends, I came up with 3 things for me.

1.  When I crash and can't figure out how to get to the finish line, sit down for 10 minutes and let my head clear before calling it a day.  I might be able to fix my bike or better assess my body damage if I just wait a few minutes.  I was in such fight or flight mode, it was either ride NOW or the day is over.  I might have been able to find a way to roll my bike in if I gave a lot of extra time to relax.  I really don't want DNFs.  They don't feel good.   

2.  Ride as defensively in a race as you would on the road.  (which I don't- I am balls to the wall and just focused on point A to point B as fast as possible).  I might have been able to stay out of trouble if I had been more aware of the guys that were behind me/beside me/wherever they were.  I can't even tell you because I just remember being pissed off some guy was right up on me.  So, safety first- stay out of trouble- then get away from it. 

3.  This stuff is hard.  Life is hard.  Triathlon is hard.  Don't give up.  If you ride and race enough and hard enough, you will have wrecks, bad days, and other.  Smile, congratulate everyone, and sign up for the next race. 

This weekend I rolled from Memphis to Oxford, MS with a small but hilarious group.  Early in the ride I was ready to hold a gun to my own head....100 + miles in 100 degree heat with 3000+ feet of climbing and no shade.  Somehow I kept a smile on my face.  But, can anyone pick out the athlete in the picture above that bailed at mile 90 because it was really that miserable?  LOL!  Good times. 

The finish in Oxford.  I rewarded myself by buying two new dresses.  You know how those Ole Miss girls have to wear a dress to every football game.  There are plenty of boutiques in the town square :)

Well, and I had to reward myself again with a margarita.  :)

So, ups and downs.  I have to tell you, I am tired.  My body has not snapped back from being sick, and everything is a struggle right now.  Short, long, fast, slow...it doesn't matter.  I am trying to stay cheery, but I am really frustrated.  I have worked through mental and training fatigue many times, but I have never had to work through residual sickness that just zaps everything.  I have all but pulled the plug on IMLOU.  I struggled so much to ride 100 miles.  Heck, I am struggling to ride 1-2 hours.   I am struggling to run 6 miles.  I am struggling to enjoy it all and maintain a positive attitude.  This has definitely not been my year form banging out the results, but true to form, I keep pushing forward.  The question now is....keep pushing or rest?  I have never been one to quit on things when I sign up for them.  But heck, the fact that I am strongly considering a DNS is a red flag to me that something is wrong.  Is it quitting or taking care of myself?  Is this mental or physical or both....and can it turn a corner for me?   

to be continued....

Sharing Some Love

I need some help naming her.  My suggestion is Azumi.  It means "safe residence" in Japanese, so I think it would be good fortune for her to have a safe residence, and maybe she can bring safety to a residence as well.  Dave and Bekah both said the name is stupid.  Does anyone have any suggestions?

On Tues, I begged and used all of my volunteer power and coercion to get her a spot at the Humane Society, which is always completely full.  Because she was so starved and has signs of abuse (pressure sores from being forced to sit in one spot, probably in urine as well as broken teeth from possible trying to gnaw out of a chain), the Humane Society felt she was appropriate for their mission.  Until then, I am going to foster her for about 10 days. 

She has been the sweetest dog ever.  We snuggle and go on short walks. I think she might be part American Bulldog?  That is my guess. 

The brown stuff on her coat is actually dried little specs of blood from the hundreds of fleas she had on her.  When I first found her, her stomach was black, and I thought it was mud or something.  Then, I saw all of the movement and it was hundreds of fleas!!!!  Ahghhhh!!!  (Dave loves it when I bring fleas home, let me tell you).  I already gave her flea meds, so maybe we can do a bath on Saturday.  I think she is going to be beautiful.  

Her job is to eat, rest, and be happy. 

And then eat some more. 

And keep being happy!!!!!

Okay, if you have some good names for her, send them my way.  If Azumi gets a few nods, then I am going to veto Dave and Bekah  Lunch time with the dogs is over....back to work.  :(((((