I am having lots of parenting questions and struggles right now. Having a family unit that has been separated for 2.5 months is not helping the situation, and I am counting down the days when Dave comes home and we can all live under the same roof again.
My big parenting issues with an almost 3-year-old:
1. Nap. I have had a poor sleeper from day 1 in the hospital. "Oh, we have never seen a baby this alert! wow!" That seems liked a compliment, and I heard it for weeks on end at doctors' appointments. But what it really meant was that I would have a baby that would sleep only a fraction of the time other babies would sleep.
Here was are a few years later, and sleep issues still run our day. In case you are wondering, yes...we still sleep with our child at night. Dave and I switch off who sleeps with her. (although for 3 months it has been solely me. Get ready to make up some time, dad!). She has been a regular napper, thank you to daycare and some handwork by our parenting unit. It is not easy, and she fights the process, but we get them in.
So, the current struggle: I recently had to turn down my number 1 daycare/school pick because they don't nap at 3-years-old. And every day I am beating myself up. Did I make the right decision? Kids usually outgrow naps between 3-4, according to the internet, which is such an expert, right? The internet knows everything :) How do I know when Isla is ready to stop napping? Do I force her to stop at 3 because I want her to go to a certain school? I couldn't find the answer. I wanted someone to make the decision for me, and no one took the bait. In the end, I decided to find another program where 3-year-olds still nap. As an athlete, we talk about sleep and rest all of the time, and how important it is for our health. I followed this line of decision making, and boy I hope it was right. I hated giving up a slot at such a good school (no more slots left). And how do I know really what is best? Let's hope I chose wisely. And it sounds crazy to say I am choosing schools that nap. But I guess I would also choose a school that had recess over one that didn't, so maybe it is not that crazy.
And lately it is taking me forever...as in at least 1 hour...to get Isla down for her nap. So, I question myself time and time again. Maybe she is ready to give them up? Maybe I was wrong to cross out schools that didn't nap! But then, she has a day with no nap and it is a nightmare for me OR she tries to fall asleep in the car on an errand at 4pm. And then I think I am right. This kid still needs to nap. It is important.
If you don't have kids yet, just WAIT for the sleep struggles! Better yet, sleep as much as you can right now. Make every kid-free moment count!
2. The general parenting issue I have is following my gut, my plan, and my desires for my family. This move to Nola has given everyone permission to take a huge interest in my work life. If people haven't decided who I should work for, they have at least decided how often I should work....which is all of the time. Something about the generation above us- I can't quite put my finger on it. Staying at home with kids was just not cool and being able to label yourself with a profession was the thing to do.
Every day. At least once but usually more, I am asked what I am doing for work. What is my J.O.B.
So, my general plan since having Isla has been to work, bring income to my family, and stay in touch with my profession as much as is needed, but not every day or every available hour. Lower stress> more money. Mom+Isla> Isla in daycare. Small house/used car> Better house/new car/financial stress. You get the picture. And because Dave is not in a working position for me to be a stay-at-home mom, I work. But never has my desire been to work full days and then parenting for only 3-4 hours when not at work. I worked full time up until having Isla. I mean, like most of us, I have worked pretty much my whole available working life. Since having Isla, I have oscillated between more and less hours, trying to find the sweet spot. What I have found is a solid part time schedule, with flexibility to back off but the opportunity to take on more work, works best with my family. When we need more $$$, I work more. When we need me taking care of family needs, I can shift some time over to the family while still working.
The compromise is that I get more time with Isla versus a better car. It is a no-brainer for me.
Nothing makes me feel like a lazier POS than to have conversations about how I am not seeking full time, life-sucking, no vacation because I work in health care, no benefits employment. I feel like a criminal when I try to explain that I don't want to work 40-50 hours in a hospital and let daycare raise my child. "But moms do it all of the time." Yes, yes they do. And that is great. It is not for me. Yes, I am trying to make ends meet with the ...gasp....part time/PRN track. I try to tell people that I want my afternoon with my daughter. I want to pick her up from school. I want to take her to activities. I want to have energy for her. And yes, I want this more than I want a certain house, a car note, or socialite school. No, I don't want her to go to daycare from 7:30-4:30 every day. When did this become unacceptable for a mother?
Not doing it.
I am not lazy, although lately I wonder if people think that about me. I just love my kid and my family. I actually like to work to work. I love providing for my family. I just also love being around for my kid. I don't get these years back. As a 38-year-old mother, I just have to take the perspective I have and do my best. I just have to back myself and do the best parenting I can do. I would rather be upset with myself later on than to try to fit someone else's parenting ideals and feel regret if it wasn't right for me.
The point of all of this is, no one can tell me if naps are important or how much time I should spend with her. I GET to make that decision. That is parenting. No one gets to walk up to me and tell me how to do it. And I am just now grasping that concept. It is powerful. I am finally feeling the power of having my own family and having some responsibility for its health, wealth, and general well-being. It is a crazy concept, but important. We are brought up to be critical, independent thinkers. Then we become parents and there is so much criticism it can really shut you down. It seems like you have to struggle for your independence as a parent at times, but really, you don't. You just have to tune out the noise and be you.
Beach week!!!! Isla and Virginia in their annual matching bathing suits.
Virginia and Isla, playing it cool in their glasses.
My sweet, almost 3-year-old, looking like a big girl!
My beach partner!!!!!!!
3 comments:
Hey Damie! Don't know if you want comments or not but here's my experience. AC stopped napping at 18 months but would sleep 12+ hours at night. Preschool-K was a nightmare bc they tried to force her to nap and she fought it as hard as she could. So we didn't fight it.
Screw people who tell you to work more. I love being around my kid on the afternoon! I stopped coaching bc I didn't want her to be in after care until 5:00. I know people do that but it was not for me.
Good luck! We miss you around here!
Holly
You can never get that time back. You also aren't guaranteed having another child. So enjoy being with your little girl. Some people work a lot because they have to. Some work a lot because it's easier than being around their kids ll day long. I work 3 days a week since having my son and that is the best balance for our family.
I know now days moms are suppose to do it all but I didn't work until my kids started school and will never regret getting to be that mom! Sometimes I craved adults but still so worth it! Hope u r loving NOLA!
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