Private For A Minute

The blog has gone undercover for a few weeks.  It sounds weird, but Dave and I are in the process of getting our wills/life insurance in order.  I had a friend say that her husband's premium went up due to something he said on Facebook.  That made me think about every little niggle I post on here, and while it may seem like I am dying in my athletic life, I am a perfectly healthy and functioning regular person.  I just didn't want anything used from my blog in an inappropriate way by someone raking through it and using it out of context.  So, maybe just for a few more weeks I will keep it on the down low.

And if you are reading this, you are one of the 3 people that even noticed I was gone! (seriously 3)  Love it!

There is no latest and greatest news right now.  It is sort of the opposite, and I hit a life low the past two weeks when I miscarried.  I have written a journal entry in my head a million times, but I just can't seem to write it out in words.  I just woke up at 1am, unable to sleep...again....so it is time to post.  It is really just so hard to put into words.

Dave and I have been trying to grow our family for over a year and a half now.  It seems like forever, but it is not a long time.  I am almost 40.  That is not old, and people have children in their 40s.  But let's be realistic.  There is a closed door that will happen at some time.  And the thing about trying to get pregnant is the rest of your life is affected, no matter how much you try not to let that happen.  I haven't signed up for any big races.  I am trying to work harder and save more.  And although I have not done this on purpose, I have put some big goals on hold inadvertently as I have increased my focus on my family.

I feel as though I could go into a rabbit hole on this whole story, and it is hard to keep it linear and concise.  Why has it taken us so long?  Why haven't we tried interventions to assist us?

And I did go to a doctor 6 months after trying.  I was a bit concerned.  I was not feeling good.  My period was starting to lose consistency.  The red flag from me was that I could run at a variety of paces from 6-9 min miles, and then for months (and this still continues) I couldn't run faster than 10-12.   And it all happened very suddenly...literally 2 months after I stopped breastfeeding.  I suspected hormonal changes.  I suspected some very early miscarriages that just looked like late periods.  (I am never late, and until the past year and a half, I was never inconsistent).  But, the doc wasn't concerned.  For all intents and purposed I am healthy, and I have a healthy daughter.

6 months later I saw another doc.  Same concerns.  Period not consistent.  Can't run faster than 12 minute mile.  Lots of hormonal red flags.  Nothing was done.

3 months later I saw another practitioner.  I brought my concerns about not being able to get pregnant and every other concern that seemed to be related.  Still, no one concerned.

But I kept thinking something was wrong, and I was suspecting I didn't have a long enough luteal phase to maintain pregnancy.  Low progesterone has been my amateur diagnosis, with nothing to back it up because no one will test me.

But then, one morning I had a terrible run.  I went to work that day as normal, but then in the afternoon I was playing with Isla and just needed a nap more than anything in the world.  I thought...could I be pregnant?  But this has happened 2-3 times this past year and my period would come late.  But this time, finally, I had 2 lines that were sticking.

I got to be pregnant for almost 2 months.  We told family right away, as last time no one was happy that we waited a full 14 weeks.  I told a couple of close friends that needed to know because I was cancelling future plans on them.  I even told Jen Harrison, which cracks me up.  She is somehow always in the loop, but she literally texted me the day I could barely complete a swim and asked me how TTC was going. I was like?  (Trying to conceive....lol!)  She deserved to know just due to good ESP.

I was able to train a little bit which was fun.  Some days I had pregnancy exhaustion, but some days I could ride my bike.  My bike guys knew I was pregnant, because I wanted to be safe and didn't want them to try to push me over what I should be doing.  I had signed up for a few races, and I was hoping I would be able to do a couple of things pregnant since I was not able to do that the first time around.

And Dave and I were excited and happy.

I went in for a scan a little early (close to 8 weeks) because we were going on vacation and I didn't want to wait till 11 weeks as originally planned.  Maybe something in my gut was speaking to me.  I never suspected anything was wrong.  Truly, I didn't think it at all.  My body was still acting pregnant, as it should because the pregnancy hormone was still going strong.  I still had 2 lines on my tests, I was still tired, I was still bloated, my boobs hurt like crazy, and I was having to pee a lot.  The only thing I can look back now and think was different was that I wasn't overly nauseous with food like I was with Isla during 6-8 weeks.  I kept waiting for the nausea to set in.  I remember one night eating spinach and thinking that was weird....because with Isla I couldn't touch a vegetable.    

Dave, Isla, and I sat in the room while the doctor did a scan.  We knew instantly something was wrong just by watching his face.  And before he even said a word, tears were falling from my eyes.  Isla was sitting right on top of me, and that sweet angel just took my face in her two little hands and just gave me a look of pure love.  The baby had stopped growing.

And, that was that.  No more baby.  He told me I could wait for the baby to miscarry naturally which could take 1-2 more months (and sometimes they had to do a D&C) or he could give me medicine to make the contractions start.  I waited a few days to make a decision, but we were going on vacation at the end of the week.  The thing is, the doctor did not ask me to come back in for another scan in a week just to make sure.  He was very decisive.  I even put in another phone call to him, but there was no hope in his voice.  He just needed me to understand the reality.  That was hard for me.  What if he was wrong?  What if I was aborting my baby and my ovulation was just different and the dates were off?  Dave and I made the decision together to listen to him and let him be the expert.  But, it was hard, and I still have regrets.  If this were to happen again, I think I absolutely need to see it one more time for closure.

There was no good time to miscarry.  I took the medicine 3 days before my vacation.  I didn't know I would bleed for a week.  I didn't know I wouldn't be able to go the beach because I would have a constant need to change pads.  And since I didn't see the actual fetal tissue pass (it could have passed sometime between the diarrhea and vomit), I will need to get another scan to see if everything is complete.  I also didn't know I will feel so very lonely during this process.  Because while some family knew I had been pregnant and had miscarried, not a single person spoke to me about it on vacation.  It was as if it was just something that happens in an instant and you move on.  No one had any idea I was miscarrying literally on vacation.  No one asked.  No one hugged me.  It completely sucked.  My bike, the two days I was able to ride it during this time, felt like my only friend.  If I couldn't be hugged or acknowledged, I wanted to be alone.  And my mom was actually a shining light during this time- the only family member that called to check on me and  openly talked to me about it while I was going through it.  Thanks, mom.

The thing about a miscarriage in the early months like this is that objectively you understand it is a wonderful ball of cells that are starting to form a heart that beats, limbs, and organs.  It is not a fully formed baby.  I can't compare it to the heartache of having a stillborn, or even my own living child pass.  But make no doubt, it hurts like crazy.  Objectively it may "just" be an amazing organism, but to you, it is your baby.  There is no other possible way to describe it.  It is not just some weird passing tissue in your body.  You were pregnant.

I immediately spoke with two friends that have also had miscarriages.  And when someone else has had a miscarriage, they will cry with you.  The pain doesn't go away.  I didn't know that before, but I know now, and I will certainly try to be a better friend to anyone who mourns during this time.  My friends cried with me like it had just happened to them yesterday.

To most people I haven't said a word or put on a brave face, but in reality I have been grieving every day since.  Dave and I even cried together today....weeks later.  But, this is one of those weird times in life where I feel like I don't get to fully grieve in public, maybe because you can "try again" or "it was for the best/happens for a reason/something was wrong."  And all of that is correct.  On this list of things to mourn, it seems like it shouldn't be very high up.  But something emotionally challenges that concept.  Like I said, this is all new to me.  But hugs all around...my life is good.

So that half marathon I was supposed to run pregnant this past weekend turned into a long run instead.  I gifted myself a 5 hour drive there to mourn, 1:58 and a true PW (personal worst) of running time to mourn and think about the great things in my life, and then another 5 hours of driving home to clear my head and get ready to love life again.

I spoke to my aunt today.  She had a miscarriage a 30 or so years ago, and I remember as I kid how hard it was on her.  She told me today how she had to journal about it, because you are left with nothing else when all is said and done.  So, that prompted me to sit down and write.  Here is is.  Thanks for bearing with me and the long post.

Thanks for reading, my 3 friends:)  Will be on the up and up from here.

xo