50 miles: My Unplanned Accomplishment

Before I moved to New Orleans, I surfed the internet looking for a way to join in some activities. I remember searching for ultra running, not because I am an ultra runner, but I wanted to find some cool trails and interesting events.  And if you read my blog, you know I have just been in this valley with racing.  I can't seem to get fit and my racing has been uninspiring.

I contacted one of the leaders of the Louisiana Ultra Runners, Rhea Looney.  "Um, hi!  I like to run and I like trails?"  I am not an ultra runner, so I felt like a huge fraud asking to join their Facebook group.  But, I wanted to maybe find some easy going trail half marathons or something that I could do stress free.  LUR added me to their Facebook page, and I have been a bit of a lurker.  I decided I had to put myself out there to meet friends, so I signed up for the Hotter Than Hell Dusk Till Dawn 10 hour trail race.  

The D2D race starts at 8:02 pm and ends at 5:59 am.  It is a looped course, so when you can end your run easily whenever you decide you are done.  I thought it would be perfect for me.  I had 6 weeks to train, and I thought maybe I could run the 32 miles required to get the coveted coffee mug the race offered as benchmark prize.  

And then, as it just seems to have gone for me for the past 4 years, I couldn't find consistency.  I ran 2x 10 mile runs and 1x 11 mile run, all around 10:15 pace.  I figured in 6 weeks I could really boost my fitness, but instead, I dissolved it.  I no longer have a pool for swimming and my bike was stolen, so I didn't have the cross training to balance my lack of running.  In my last run, I ran 1 mile before quitting because I just couldn't do it.   I was in a bad place.  I was in a sad place.  

I say all of this NOT to say...hey, look at me, I don't run!  But to say, hey....this has been sad and hard for me.  I am trying to figure it all out.  Things are not where I want them.  

The race came, and I was determined to go out there.  Dave asked if I was excited, and I was!  I was excited to run the trails and maybe meet some friends.  I set a minimum goal of 10 miles, with an A goal of 20.  I figured if I could gut it out, I would.  My dream goal was 32, and if my body could keep going on the trail, I was going to go for it, even if my training didn't indicate that was a possibility.  

But, I was realistic too, in my mind.  Dave kept telling me I would do great, and I kept snarking back, "don't you understand?  I WON'T do great!  I haven't done the training!  Why don't you understand that!  This takes training.  It takes consistency.  I don't have that.  Don't you understand how sad I am??  I haven't run longer than 11 miles since the Boston Marathon in April.  Don't you understand this is not good?"  

And more than a shitty athlete, I have been a shitty wife and friend.  I have been so negative over the past few years, really.  I have been a dream crusher.  I have been a lost soul and a sad person.  I have wondered if my mental health is where it needs to be?  I get mad at my husband for not understanding my "trials."  I say he doesn't understand.  He has crossfit, and friends, and is making progress with his training, and is going to a big soccer tournament, he has a job that he loves, and on and on and on.  The final straw for me was when he came home on Saturday and said he wanted to do Crossfit Endurance to help his running.  He has had serious back and groin/hip issues for a long time, but he wants to work on his running.  I get irritated and negative.  I start whining.  WHAT ABOUT ME!!!  What about my training!  You don't care about MY training.  And now we have to dedicate more time to your crossfit?  Must be nice to train with friends.  Why do YOU get to train after work?  Why do I have to wake up at 4:45am.  It is NOT FAIR.  

And so I drove off to my 10 hour night race with one goal.  I HAD to lose this "It's NOT FAIR" mentality.  Yes, the past 4 years have not been my best.  So what was I going to do about it?   I listened to a really good podcast on my hour drive to the race:  Champions by Ted Talks.  I had so many thoughts as I drove to the race, but one thing stuck in my head...I was going to run out the anger in me.  I was going to run till I had no more in there.  It was no one's fault but MINE.  I have a great life, I am so happy we moved, and I LOVE my family.  No one deserves to have a whiney mom and wife.  I can do better.  

The other thing I have been struggling with is my body image.  I lost a ton of weight after having Isla and breastfeeding for two years+ .  I also lost a lot of muscle.  Now, after almost a year of not breastfeeding, I have thickened in awkward places.  Whose body is this?  This is not me!  This is not my athlete body.  While I was driving in the car, I felt my stomach uncomfortably spilling out.  When I got to the race, I was super sensitive of the way I looked in my Wattie Ink Black Collection shorts.  They are the perfect racing short, but I felt self conscious about my big thighs, lack of muscle and mom stomach.  I remember sitting down before the race, trying to hide my body, ashamed that it once was lean with muscle and carried me over fast miles.  I had failed myself.  

When the race started, I lined up in the back. 8:02pm.  It was going to be my first time to run through the night.  I told myself I would run as long as I could.  

I ran this run much like I would do an ironman, just in case I went to the 5-10 hours.  I wore my HR monitor and didn't exceed 150bpm for the first 8 miles or so.  This put me in the back of the field, and that was fine.  I treated the aid station loop like I was at an ironman as well- in and out, in and out.  I maintained my no walking rule, except when I had to walk to grab fuel or go to the bathroom.  Before I knew it, I had done 20 miles, with each lap being even splits.  My body was not failing, so I decided to go for the 32.  

First loop of the course- I am in the blue shirt/red visor.  I have no idea what to expect.  And in 20 minutes we no longer have light.  

It was incredible running at night.  I have never run this long with a headlamp, and I was often alone on the trail unless passing someone or having a guy pass me.  The trail was rooty, but flat.  It was well marked, and pretty soon I new every turn like an old friend.  I started to have my favorite parts of the trail, and parts that I didn't like.  The trail is surrounded by the swamp.  I glanced at it when the sun was setting, and it freaked me out a little bit.  But, I decided to just focus on the trail.  I did almost step on a small copperhead, and we scared each other.  But otherwise, I only saw one possum and a few frogs.  (Thank goodness!)  There were so many sounds coming from the forest and swamp, and the were really loud, and I couldn't see a thing for almost 10 hours, except what was directly in front of my headlamp.  I later learned that distinct sounds, that I heard right off of the trail and very frequently, were from alligators.  And yes, at 2am, I was freaked.  It certainly kept me running.  

I left behind my anger.  I saw my thick stomach sticking out, and thought...who cares?  I am running well!  This is life.  I was grateful.  I was happy.  

Then, I hit mile 32.  For the first time in my life, I had run a 50k.  I had earned my coffee mug.  But there was still time on the clock.  I thought, this is my moment to not quit.  I will keep going.  The distance did not matter to me, but suddenly it became very important that I finish the entire 10 hours.  I broke it down again, and said...lets see if I can get to 40 miles.  I have plenty of time.  

Once I was close to 40 miles, I came upon the first place male.  At this point, I did not know who was winning what, and I certainly did not know what place I was in.  I didn't go there to compete, and I didn't expect myself to be anywhere near the front.  He asked me what loop I was on, and told me I was in 2nd place.  "Oh wow!  Second place female?"  I was so surprised!  He said no, I was in 2nd place overall and he was in 1st overall.  And then he ran off.  

At this point, I thought I could hit 48 miles based on the time I had left and the time it was taking me to complete the loops.  I kept moving on.  Around mile 42-44, my headlamp died in the middle of the woods.  I waited for one girl that was walking, and walked with her, using her light.  When another runner came upon us, I ran behind her to transition.  A volunteer gave me another headlamp, and I was off again.  I lost a little bit of time, but I didn't stress it.  The number of miles never mattered, just that I kept going. 

I also made a deal with myself.  If I came in towards the end of 10 hours, and there were 24 minutes left on the clock, I would go for another loop.  Even if I failed, I would "push off."  In swim practice with Gil, he would do these sets where we went to failure.  The problem is, I would quit before I failed.  We talked about it all of the time and how I had to work through that.  I would just stop at the wall, even though I had time to push off again and get in one more rep.  Tonight, I decided I would fail before I quit.  

So here we are in the last hour.  It is still dark.  I have just run through the night.  I have run more than I ever have in my life.  I come upon the 1st OA guy, and he is walking.  He told me he went to the well the first half of the race to beat two other guys.  They had since dropped out, and he now had the most miles so he was going to end his race as well since he had won.  But, if he dropped out after this loop, I would effectively tie him because I wasn't quitting.  He didn't care, and said we could share the win.  But, I didn't like that.  He needed to keep going, and I made him.  So we ran the next loop together.  And when the race was almost over, we had 29 minutes left.  I told him, we were going back out.  We had 29 minutes to finish 2 miles, and we were pushing off.  I didn't want to tie him, I wanted us to complete the race.  

So, Ondrej from Croatia, and I went out for one more lap.  He asked me if we could finish hand in hand, and he was incredible complimentary of my performance.  And so, we finished and in hand...50 miles for me, and 52 for him.  

There was somewhere along the trail that I realized if I didn't seize the opportunity to run 10 hours, to go for 32 miles....40 miles....50 miles...  that I may never have the chance again.  So I did it.  I just did it.  And the power of the mind is so incredible.  

I got home, and Dave asked me what I got for completing my first ultra.  Fortunately, I did get $130 gift certificate to a running store for new shoes for first female.  Dave said, "that's it?  No medal?  No plaque for 50 miles?"  Nope, nada.  LOL!  He has never cared about a medal in his whole life, but he couldn't believe I came home with nothing but a memory.  Well, that and an improved attitude.  We can always do more and do a better job.  I can do better.  

The finish line, with race director Mike Coffey.  What an incredible experience.  Life delivers just on time.  

As always, thank you to my family for encouraging me.  Thank you to Enell for the best sports bras, Wattie Ink for my race clothing that fits perfectly, and Zealios for keeping the chaffing at bay.  

I ran 50 miles!!!!!!