2016- Done and Done!

2016 has come and gone.  Here are some highlights...

-Life is in my favor.  All of the people I love are healthy and happy.  Every year is a good year when I  know I am very fortunate.  

- I ran the Boston Marathon, which was something I have wanted to do for more than a decade.  It was all it was cracked up to be.  

-  I ran 50 miles.  What?  

- I moved back to New Orleans

It just now hit me, but I live literally maybe 100 yards from the Mississippi River.  Something about that just seems so wild to me.  

- And...bought a house!  

- I managed to make some kick ass costumes for Halloween this year, including a paper mache cupcake consume for me daughter.  (Okay, this has nothing to do with the post, but I just wanted everyone to see my costumes because I forgot to post them last post :)   

- Despite job changes and loss of work with moving, I still managed to earn as much income as I did last year.  

-  I got a new bike.  

  

Do you spy a bike? :)

- I got to spent more minutes and hours and days with my favorite girl in the world.  Pinch me!  Is love this amazing for real?

 I love this muffin!

The lowlights....

- Health issues and no triathlon.  And here we are, months and months later and we still haven't figured out what is going on despite blood work and heart check ups and everything else.  

- Just a terrible race year.  I raced 4 times this whole year?  This has by far been the worst year for me training and racing wise, which is weird to say since I did Boston this year and ran a 50 miler.  Yet, for some reason there was something so unsatisfying about this year.  The reason I do this is for the journey...the training, the miles, the hard work.  I had none of that this year.  

- Last wah wah was on this, but I am the most out of shape I have been maybe in my whole adult life.     Nothing like getting closer to 40 and feeling like life has hit you on the back of the head like a frying pan. 

-No 2016 baby.  It wasn't for lack of trying.  It was hard to put my eggs in the baby basket and walk away empty handed.  I don't stress too much about conceiving, as I very much think there is always a bigger plan that I don't see.  But, I am certainly not getting any younger.  

- My bike was stolen.  Lots of :( :( :( and $$$ 

- Moved away from my training groups, including my amazing master's swim team, my OWL running group, and my Los Locos cycling friends.  While I know I will make some friends here, I must say I had a pretty sweet training set up in Memphis that probably cannot be replaced here just due to geography.  It is going to take a lot to impress me here in Nola, and so far I have not been wowed.  And you know, I miss my friends.  

- New jobs = new stress.  I still haven't found my perfect fit here, and I look forward to the day when it all comes together.  

- I paid a lot of stupid tax and made a few decisions that were bad money decisions.  Dave told me today that was the price of being human.  Human or not, I hate to throw money down the toilet.  Live and learn!  

And on to  2017...

- After 5 wonderful years, I did not reapply for Team Wattie Ink 2017.  This was such a tough decision for me, but I know that sometimes it is good to take a break and clear some space to create energy.  This leaves me teamless, which his really odd.  I have been on amazing teams- honestly the best available to me- since I started the sport of triathlon.  To be solo....well, what do I wear?  Lol!!!  

- I am going to blog more.  Not because I think I should, and not because it serves another purpose like promoting sponsors, but simply because it is the social media outlet I like best.  

- I am going to make my new house bad-ass.  Fun, artsy, and bad-ass.  I will finally have a library, and I will not let Dave talk me out of turning the loft into something else!  It will be our reading sanctuary.  And I finally, finally get a bike/training room.  YAY YAY YAY!  Life changing stuff here!  

- Last time I put a resolution on my blog I kept it.  I said I would volunteer 24 times at the Humane Society, and I did.  So, this year, I want to work at some sort of soup kitchen over a major holiday.  Hold me to it people!  I have wanted to do it for years.  

2016 Done and Done! 

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season.  

From me to you- may you find the positive in your 2016 and move forward to an even brighter future in 2017.  

Pics :)

Not much time for blogging- Sunday morning 6:30am and I am getting ready to leave for work.  But, I know my mom likes to read this, so here are a few pics and some updates.  Nothing on the training front of much note.  I registered for a half marathon in February to get myself kick started.  My bike has been ordered, but I feel like I will never get it as the bike shop never returns my emails or calls.  (What is it these days with people not actually having to do their jobs?)

Isla's soccer team- she mostly had fun playing this season.  We were really disappointed with the program, as in the coach would leave practice early and only showed up to 50% of practices.  Guess who will be on the phone this week with the program director? 

This might be my new favorite picture of Isla.  I just love her so much.  I will always remember her at this age, twirling her hand in my hair.  She is such a gift.  

Dress up is Isla's new favorite activity. Every day she comes home from school and raids my closet for dresses and shoes.  

I do love that I now get to go watch the Saints on a regular basis.  I love them win or lose, thank goodness as they keep losing, as well as aging me every time I have to sit through that stress.  

Isla's Thanksgiving party at her school

We have put an offer on a house that has been accepted in Algier's Point.  So, we have a couple of months ahead of us of working through the home buying process, which is tough.  Fortunately, we love our community.  Last night we had Movies On The Point with Finding Dory, which had about 50 kids and their parents all sitting in front of a big screen movie like a drive in.  It was so much fun!  

Buying A Bike- Chugging Along

I am in the process of buying a new bike.  It has taken a while for me to really get going on this because, well for one, it is really expensive.  And two, I was a bit like a deer in headlights with all of the new options.  A big thing for me, besides narrowing it down to what I can afford (which is not much these days in the world of super bikes) is...what fits?  The new "super bikes" are a little intimidating to me with the fit.  Now there is "pad stack" and integrated systems where you can't just buy a new stem.  That is what makes them fast- and that also makes them a little more challenging to fit it seems.  One mistake I made years ago was buying a Quintana Roo, that I loved, off of the internet in a size that "should have" fit me.  For all general purposes, I am a 48-51.  But not all 51s, or smalls, or any size are created equally between brands with respect to stack and reach.  Fortunately, I found a buyer for that bike and was able to get my Slice, which served me well for many years.

Fit matters.  A lot.  I don't have a fitter here in Nola that I trust, so that is going to be a relationship I am going to need to find and build.  When I am comfortable on a bike, I will be fast, regardless of how "fast" the bike is.  And I know I could reach that place with a super bike.  There were a few options out there for me, but when I started adding up the costs.... wow.

SO, after hemming and hawing, I am sticking with Cannondale.  The frames fit me, the price is right, and I have had good success on them prior.  Now, I am in the process of getting what I need/want with it.  Of course I want to switch out a ton of components.  I want SRAM, as I have loved their components in my previous set up.  I am also going to Shimano pedals due to the nerve problems in my feet I had last year.  (I will need new shoes too, which is another expense.)  The process of buying a bike and really getting what I want is just really expensive.  So, some things won't make the cut this time around.  I am not getting electronic shifting or power.  I just can't afford it, so, oh well.  Basically, I will have almost the exact set up I had before, with new components.

Hopefully this will all happen within a month?  I am excited to have my own wheels under me.  Until then, I will be eternally grateful to Sue Marston, Team Wattie Ink Teammate, for sharing her P3 with me.  What a friend.

MY MORNING BIKE RIDE

This is my morning bike view- maybe 3-400 yards from where I am living.  Of course I had to stop and take this picture the other morning, only to get my phone sweaty and now it is dead.  Life with technology is expensive!  (I think I have used the word "expensive" many times in this blog post today).  But what bike view, yes?

Running is picking up.  For the first time in 3 months, I am running 20+mpw consistently. (well consistently meaning 3 weeks, but I think it will stick this time).  It is odd, because in 2015 I was running 40-50 mpw for most of the year, but this is where I am now, and I am just happy everything is coming back.

MY MORNING RUN VIEW

I get to watch the cruise ships leave New Orleans and come back right during my run time, and it really is incredible.  They are just a stones throw away from me on my run, and I can't believe how big cruise ships are.  

I am learning to see the city at different angles and to love my view.  I only have a 5 mile loop to run on my side of the river, so I am having to find the extraordinary in the repetition.  

And a quick note on the swim.  I have been swimming by myself- MAYBE 4000 yards a week on big weeks, but mostly less than even that.  I am bored.  I love to swim, but I am just tired of doing it all by myself.  There are no real master's programs here in Nola, and I am very used to having a coach on deck and lane mates for shared suffering.  But, there are groups of friends that get together and swim; however, my excuse for not joining in was I didn't want to wake up a 4am to drive 30 minutes to swim.  Well, today, I did just that.  If that is my option, then I don't really have a choice unless I want to continue to swim by myself. Overall I am just proud of myself for starting to make things happen again.  

Weekly Outtakes:  

Lunch date with Isla and her friend, Josh.  (really it was just as much fun for Audrey and I to decompress and catch up!)  

Isla, my little animal lover :) 

Isla loves her neighborhood friends!  We really live in a great neighborhood.  

Saturday Art Day!  

Almost Settled

I am trying to keep this blog up.  I feel like the blog may be a big reflection of training.  When it is on a roll, so is the blog.  When I stall...so does the blog.

News:

-We have a contract on our house in Memphis.  With a few repairs to do, our house should be sold by mid-November.  Selling the house has taken a lot of mental energy from us, so we will be happy to close on it and look forward to furthering our transition here in Memphis.  Plus, owning a house in one city while renting in another has made finances tight.  Too tight.  So, this is great- fingers crossed for continued smooth sailing.

- I am back and forth with momentum on the job front.  I will have plenty of work one week and think, "hey!  I can do this!  It is working out!" and then I will have a low week and the feeling will completely shift.  And now, for the first time in years, I am also working in 2 places that I just dislike.  Really dislike.  One is unethical.  The other is very overbearing.  The management is not kind.  It is hard to believe at this age these things exist, but I am also not surprised that the two companies where I experience this are also the two "rehab management" companies that don't actually own the facilities.  It is all about the numbers, which is never employee friendly.  So, I have not found my home here yet in the work force.  I would say this is may be my biggest stressor from both a financial and soulful position.

 - Dave and I have been doing new and unusual things.  This city is just a great place for really exploring different parts of your personality.  Here I am reading on stage...in a bar...for banned books week.  Don't ask me how this happened.

 - Isla is loving school.  She has many sweet friends, and I already know many of the parents.  I feel a huge sense of community in just a short amount of time.

 - Yes, we are just having a lot of fun with life.

-And soccer.  Isla is playing, following directions, and having fun.  After noting the complete male dominance and lack of organization, I finally stepped up today.  I didn't play soccer my whole life and fight to my highest level possible to watch the kids not get the most out of the experience.  So, today I stepped on the field, and it looks as though my days of watching on the sidelines (a whopping 2) are in the rearview mirror.

-Training and health:
My lab tests came back in good shape.  No real sense the EBV is active now, so that is good.  All other levels look solid.  My doc has been great and we chatted on cell phone yesterday.  Next up is heart check and hormone panel.  I just have to stick with it and not get stalled on the process.  And that- getting stalled when I have momentum- has been a real issue for me the past few years.  It is a sign of disorganization.  So, the skill I am working on as a mother/employee/athlete is to FINISH what I start.  I am working on buying a bike...and I have to finish the process.  I can't let it drag on for a year, which I will do if I take my foot of the gas.  I have to get help to figure out why I got so sick this year...I can't let up!

I am consistently doing something to "train" every day.   It is all Z2 and very slow, simply because I am so out of shape my Z2 is slow.   But, until I feel healthy and strong, I just can't handle anything hard.  I have some posterior tibialis tendonitis, and that also really stinks.  For the first time in my 28 years of running, I have had my first soft tissue injuries with the hip earlier in the year and now this.  It hurts.  I don't even know how I got it since I haven't been training.  But, I guess when your body is not strong, stuff happens.  But, no excuses...I am pushing forward.

Back to watching Kona.  Damn it Raelert with your penalty!  Don't do that to me!!!!!  Fingers crossed he smokes it back to the podium.  Cheers to all of my friends racing, and best of luck to everyone in their training.  See you out there soon.

D

Resource Base

Hola!

So, we are in the middle of September and nearing the end of the racing year.  I never got off of the ground this year, for multiple reasons including a big move to Nola, a stolen bike, and loss of health.  It certainly has not been for lack of loving triathlon, running, or racing.  I am just dying to be out there.

The ITU Long Distance World Championships are coming up soon, and they are in Oklahoma this year, which is great for us Americans.  The great news is I qualified.  But, I never registered because I thought I would be pregnant and didn't want to lose out on a bunch of registration money.  But the race is here, and I am neither pregnant or racing.  It is a bit sad, but mostly it just gives me reasons to contemplate and move forward.

So, where am I.

Yesterday I met with a WONDERFUL physician in New Orleans, Dr. Rousseau.  She was a kind and patient listener, as was her med student.  I was in there for a long time as we sorted through my history since 2012.  (Prior to 2012, I had no real issues short of a R knee surgery that just took rehab).  2012 was a great year that was following by a lot of sickness that we concluded was Epstein Barr Virus, hormone issues, and an injection of walking pneumonia.  I didn't really end up pursuing much treatment for it because I became pregnant and ended up just resting for 9 months :)

2013-2015 was quite a year for me physically.  I was recovering from a c-section and my first lumbar spine injury that may have been initiated from prolonged back labor.  Isla wasn't sleeping at all, so neither was I for 2 years.  Dave was in the most stressful place he has ever been in with his job, and he was suffering too.  Because our household was in shambles, Dave and I barely cooked and I was often starving.  I also breastfed for 2 years.  This was just a perfect stress storm.

I also dropped a ton of weight, and it was very unintentional.  It was mostly muscle, and I withered away to nothing at one point.  It wasn't because I wanted to lose baby weight, it was truly because I wasn't having time to fix myself food, was working out of my car and not getting meals, and breastfeeding my kid.  My body took care of Isla, and to do that, it took from me.  Totally worth it.  But, next time I will have a better understanding of how much more I need to eat.

I had some okay racing in 2015.  I was an All American Triathlete and qualified for Boston.  But, I never felt good or normal doing it.  It was really not a satisfying year.  Of course when I read aloud the paragraphs above, it makes sense.  And then, in September of 2015, I stopped breastfeeding.  2 months later I was really on this rapid decline physically.

So, all of this was at the forefront of my mind as we discussed November 2015- till now.  I went from being able to play, to being sidelined indefinitely.  Runs were massively slower with no warning.  I stopped being able to keep up on the bike, even at the slowest paces.  I was making progress in the swim, and then I couldn't keep up on even on the slow intervals.  And I have been at this place for months with no real solution.  

For the past 6 months, I have really tried to figure it out.  Is it hormonal?  Am I deficient in something that is nutritionally achieved?  Is it a flare up of my Epstein Barr Virus (and why hasn't rest helped it?) and, I really started to wonder if it is my heart.  I just can't explain to you all how hard it has been to run 1-2 miles, even at a 12 minute pace.  I will sometimes just feel so sick and have to walk back to my car.  No matter how easy and slow I go, it just sucks.  Of course I was then was able to run that trail race (At a 12 min mile pace) and it gave me hope that maybe it was just a matter of time.  But then I look at the big picture, and it has been a large and steady decline for 10 months now with a 1% success rate and 99% downward trend.

Back to the doctor, who again was great.  We are definitely testing EBV (which a lot of doctors won't test, but she is curious).  She is also testing the things like anemia/B-12 issues, which have been something I have struggled with in the past.  I did not test low in these areas in January, but perhaps I have gone backwards a bit.  We are testing thyroid, although I am doubtful it is that.  We are not testing hormones, as she would not treat them anyways.  So, if we rule out other things, then I will go to OBGYN to discuss those concerns.

And the interesting thing is she is going to test my heart.  She does hear a heart murmur, which in itself is not a big issue.  I was told I had one years ago in college, but NO practitioner has ever mentioned it since or heard it.  But, this doctor did and so did her colleague.  It could be something as simple as an increase in the murmur because I am anemic, which is something I can easily address.   So, I could be feeling some increased stress if there is something going on there.

So, with some contemplation, this has just been 4 years of my body being off and probably robbed a bit on the nutritional side, even though I have really tried to put a lot of healthy things in my body.  I think when you are in a deficit for a while, it is hard to climb out unless you are really intentional, and intentional for a long time.  And if there are hormone issues, I can hopefully dig myself out of the hole by addressing other things.

So, I am eager to move forward on this and do whatever it is I need to do to get this body at its optimal functioning state.

And one thing that really sticks out to me is Dr. Jeff Spencer's idea that you cannot reach optimal performance without first building your resource base.

"Step number four is the base. This is where you build your resource capacity and your material resources that you’re going to need to safely and effectively get to the top, then on to master, then to become your champion."


So for me, this resource base is

1.  Job/Income: which I am progressing towards having enough work and income, but I am not there yet.  I still have some resource building to do in this area as we have moved cities.  Without this, trying to participate in triathlon is futile as I cannot afford things like a new bike.  Plus, when I am working very consistently with good income, I feel much less guilt about training.

2.  Health:  an increase in this area would mean more capacity to train, which would bring results, which would bring more motivation, and on and on.  3 years of training at so-so health is not satisfying, I can assure you.

3.  Equipment:  bike.  bike fit.  coach.  functional equipment.  etc.

4.  Organization at home:  when my family is running well, I train well.  This has to be a part of my resource base, because I draw from the energy in my family.

5.  Training Groups:  I don't have these yet, but on some level will be important in the future.

Right now I am on 1 and 2.  Then I will worry about a bike.  Etc.  Etc.

I am eager to get some results and continue to move in the right direction.  I feel super hopeful and extremely glad I found a physician that gets it and does not think what is going on for me is normal or just "overtraining."

I am getting my act together :)

Other than training/racing:

Other than training/racing:

-  Just went to my first bookclub in my new neighborhood.  My first thought is that Dave and I really picked an amazing neighborhood to live.  There is so much life here.

-The book we read was Boys In The Boat, and I highly, highly recommend it.  What did I get out of it?  Funny, but it wasn't the training, psychology of an Olympian, or athletic inspiration.  It was actually reading about how poor people were in the depression and how HARD they worked with every minute of their day available.  I suddenly felt incredibly lazy.  Well, after reading this book, I decided to take on extra work babysitting when Isla is out of school and I have to stay home with her.  If I can't earn money that day being a PT, I can earn it doing other things.  They book really pushed me to think outside the box with my time as it applies to earning a living.  So, here I am today...BABYSITTING another kid while I have Isla, and I feel great about it!

- I started a women's running group in my neighborhood way earlier than anyone should get up.  And the group is FAITHFUL.  We have all different levels, and it is just fantastic.  I am pumped I put myself out there to get something going as a new resident here.  Really, I love it here.  And, I love my new friends.

- Some great podcasts:  Bobbi Gibb interview and Neal Barnard, MD.  Check them out!

- Speaking of which

Sigh

And how do I even start on this.  I just can't take anymore damn bacon, meat, and dairy pushing.  Do I unfriend people?  Stop following them?  I only hate to do that because I want to be friends with everyone.  Then I wonder, do I?  Do I want to be friends with someone that promotes these industries...in the face of INSANE cruelty?  Do you really think that cow on your cookbook is snuggling with that little girl?  EVER?  That they have ever had a kind human touch?  What propaganda!  And Americans buy it!  Can you be a really great and kind person without striving to be kinder to ALL creatures?  It is really hard on my soul to read things on social media.  I also even got a message from a friend yesterday chastising me for not eating meat.  I started down this path when I was 14!!!!!! LOL on the funny message on how I will find food to eat without meat.

So I wrestle with this.  And believe me, it is hard.   Because I am certainly NOT PERFECT. I am striving, but not there.  I am trying to be better, failing a ton, but marching on.  My husband eats meat, but I know that after almost 20 years together it hurts him more, maybe just the tiniest bit, to do it.  Other people close to me blatantly brag and throw in my face their meat consumption.  Can you really be an educated person if you refuse to look at what factory farming does to animals?  If you turn a blind eye... I mean, really...isn't it just as bad as what happened with slavery...or with the Jewish in Germany?   but those are PEOPLE, Damie.  Hm.  Well, I dare you to listen to any sound bite of an animal tortured in factory farming and tell me if you don't hear a soul in their cries.

But besides that.  Don't argue with me on the "virtues" of meat as food.  Read the research.  And not what crossfit tells you.  Please, people.  Seriously?  But you know, tweet all you want about bacon and your steak for dinner.  But the minute someone that does not eat meat says a word about vegetarianism or veganism, everyone gets put out.  It is definitely not an open, honest, and loving playing field.  And believe me, I know that if anyone was reading this post anyway, I lost 90% of readers when I started talking about this.  That is the way it is.  But it doesn't have to be.  In the face of being educated our whole lives from teachers to commercials with how to eat animals, I can see why people just don't want to look at something in a different way.  Our culture has forced us into carnism like it is a religion.

So, I never want to push plant based eating on anyone.  We obviously have choices, and everyone has to make their own.  No one needs a preacher.  But, I am tired of being in a place where I am just forced to surrender to everyone pushing meat.  How do I separate myself from this and invite more positivity into my life on this front?

-  So then, I come to this place.  What to do with social media and such for the future.  What does it hold for me?  I think a lesser place in my life.  An advantage of it is keeping up with far away friends.  But I think there is more hidden stress in social media than I really even know.  (Of course there is tons of stress that is also in your face).

- This weekend...Def Leppard/REO Speedwagon/Tesla.  I am SO excited  I have listened to the album, Hysteria, more times than I can count.  I still play it when I run.

-Our house has not sold, and that stinks.  I asked my mom to bury a St. Joseph in the yard for me to help it sell.  Every bit helps!

- Isla has not been sick in months,  even with going to multiple daycares, and this is a huge deal.  We have been on antibiotics practically every couple of months for the first couple of years of her life.  This is the longest stretch she has had without sickness, and it has just been awesome.  She will even have a snotty nose and clear it a few days later without getting an ear or sinus infection.  So awesome!  Of course she stopped eating 2 days ago and has been crying non-stop for 48 hours, so my luck may have just run out.  But still, something about the move to New Orleans has really helped her.  Maybe less allergies?


Ah.  that is all.  It is a nice mouthful.  Too bad I am not training, as the posts are shorter and sweeter :)

August 2016

Life is good.  Not great, but good.  I have a borrowed bike.  It is too big for me, but I am making it work and I am so so thankful.  Things don't have to be perfect for you to be successful.  I have amazing friends.  I am definitely finding my way in Nola and loving my time here.  Training has been awful, as it has been for 9 months now.   And while I have had 2 accomplishments this year in the finishing of the Boston Marathon and a 50 miler, I cannot say I have raced a single thing.  I can hardly SBR, and for months now everything has been such a struggle, even at the slowest paces.  I really want to race.  Anything.  ANYTHING!   I have even looked on line at super sprints, but to be honest, I don't think I can run 2 miles faster than a 10 minute pace, and I think to myself....what will that do for me?  Dig me in more of a hole?  Why does my body hate me?

Dave continues to tell me it is time to get this checked out.  I agree, but where?  Who?  Try to find someone that works with athletes and Epstein Barr Virus, I dare you.  I am pushing forward but really struggling.  I am back to that place where I have to start to question if even easy training is too much.  I promise I am taking a bird's eye view to this all....to these 4 years of struggle...because I know that there is more good to come and this will just have been a puzzle for me to figure out, which is what we do in life.  The only problem is I am running out of time to race this season.  If I don't race, it is not the end of the world.  I will be sad.  I will definitely excuse myself from my teams that depend on me to race, because I am not able to uphold my end of the deal.  

In the meantime, I am looking for some serious cleansing plans.  If anyone has done anything for intestinal cleansing, EBV, yeast, infections, whatever....pm me.  Please.  Months of easy training is not doing the trick.  Before I have to completely sit out again with zero training for a couple of months, I would love to give this thing one more punch in the face if anyone has some suggestions.  

Life rolling on.... :)  

 I had my 20 year high school reunion last month.  Of course, I had nothing to wear, so hours before the event, I was trying on dresses and texting my sister for her approval.  This was the winner.- $30 thank you very much.  And then I bought shoes literally on the way to the event- in the sale section, thank you very much again.  Some things NEVER change.  

 Isla is quite the photographer of the family.  She LOVES taking photos, and I love looking at life through her eyes.  This is her view from the backseat.  

 Isla has been in gymnastics camp.  This was my first day of dropping her off.  (tear drop!)

 And she wants to wear "twirly" dresses to gymnastics.  Ha!  This is the day she would not drink water out of her cup because she told me it would "take off her lipstick (chapstick)."  WHAT?  whose child is this?

 Oh, the end of week performance.  I had THAT kid that refused to do anything, completely melted down and was crying, and had to be carried off.  Dave and I wonder....is it that she is not interested?   Is she too young?  (which, she is one of the youngest, but definitely there are 3-year-olds having fun out there). Was she just hungry and tired?  or is our kid the defiant one that will just not do what is asked of her?  It feels like such a parenting fail sometimes.  But then, we just have to shrug and let her be her.  I guess.  Parenting can be really hard sometimes-  not the day to day of it, although that is hard too.  But the psychological part of it...letting little people develop while setting boundaries.  Tough!  

]

And then sometimes she is having a complete blast :)  

 Isla and her neighborhood friend, Tre.  

A girl and her dog :)  

50 miles: My Unplanned Accomplishment

Before I moved to New Orleans, I surfed the internet looking for a way to join in some activities. I remember searching for ultra running, not because I am an ultra runner, but I wanted to find some cool trails and interesting events.  And if you read my blog, you know I have just been in this valley with racing.  I can't seem to get fit and my racing has been uninspiring.

I contacted one of the leaders of the Louisiana Ultra Runners, Rhea Looney.  "Um, hi!  I like to run and I like trails?"  I am not an ultra runner, so I felt like a huge fraud asking to join their Facebook group.  But, I wanted to maybe find some easy going trail half marathons or something that I could do stress free.  LUR added me to their Facebook page, and I have been a bit of a lurker.  I decided I had to put myself out there to meet friends, so I signed up for the Hotter Than Hell Dusk Till Dawn 10 hour trail race.  

The D2D race starts at 8:02 pm and ends at 5:59 am.  It is a looped course, so when you can end your run easily whenever you decide you are done.  I thought it would be perfect for me.  I had 6 weeks to train, and I thought maybe I could run the 32 miles required to get the coveted coffee mug the race offered as benchmark prize.  

And then, as it just seems to have gone for me for the past 4 years, I couldn't find consistency.  I ran 2x 10 mile runs and 1x 11 mile run, all around 10:15 pace.  I figured in 6 weeks I could really boost my fitness, but instead, I dissolved it.  I no longer have a pool for swimming and my bike was stolen, so I didn't have the cross training to balance my lack of running.  In my last run, I ran 1 mile before quitting because I just couldn't do it.   I was in a bad place.  I was in a sad place.  

I say all of this NOT to say...hey, look at me, I don't run!  But to say, hey....this has been sad and hard for me.  I am trying to figure it all out.  Things are not where I want them.  

The race came, and I was determined to go out there.  Dave asked if I was excited, and I was!  I was excited to run the trails and maybe meet some friends.  I set a minimum goal of 10 miles, with an A goal of 20.  I figured if I could gut it out, I would.  My dream goal was 32, and if my body could keep going on the trail, I was going to go for it, even if my training didn't indicate that was a possibility.  

But, I was realistic too, in my mind.  Dave kept telling me I would do great, and I kept snarking back, "don't you understand?  I WON'T do great!  I haven't done the training!  Why don't you understand that!  This takes training.  It takes consistency.  I don't have that.  Don't you understand how sad I am??  I haven't run longer than 11 miles since the Boston Marathon in April.  Don't you understand this is not good?"  

And more than a shitty athlete, I have been a shitty wife and friend.  I have been so negative over the past few years, really.  I have been a dream crusher.  I have been a lost soul and a sad person.  I have wondered if my mental health is where it needs to be?  I get mad at my husband for not understanding my "trials."  I say he doesn't understand.  He has crossfit, and friends, and is making progress with his training, and is going to a big soccer tournament, he has a job that he loves, and on and on and on.  The final straw for me was when he came home on Saturday and said he wanted to do Crossfit Endurance to help his running.  He has had serious back and groin/hip issues for a long time, but he wants to work on his running.  I get irritated and negative.  I start whining.  WHAT ABOUT ME!!!  What about my training!  You don't care about MY training.  And now we have to dedicate more time to your crossfit?  Must be nice to train with friends.  Why do YOU get to train after work?  Why do I have to wake up at 4:45am.  It is NOT FAIR.  

And so I drove off to my 10 hour night race with one goal.  I HAD to lose this "It's NOT FAIR" mentality.  Yes, the past 4 years have not been my best.  So what was I going to do about it?   I listened to a really good podcast on my hour drive to the race:  Champions by Ted Talks.  I had so many thoughts as I drove to the race, but one thing stuck in my head...I was going to run out the anger in me.  I was going to run till I had no more in there.  It was no one's fault but MINE.  I have a great life, I am so happy we moved, and I LOVE my family.  No one deserves to have a whiney mom and wife.  I can do better.  

The other thing I have been struggling with is my body image.  I lost a ton of weight after having Isla and breastfeeding for two years+ .  I also lost a lot of muscle.  Now, after almost a year of not breastfeeding, I have thickened in awkward places.  Whose body is this?  This is not me!  This is not my athlete body.  While I was driving in the car, I felt my stomach uncomfortably spilling out.  When I got to the race, I was super sensitive of the way I looked in my Wattie Ink Black Collection shorts.  They are the perfect racing short, but I felt self conscious about my big thighs, lack of muscle and mom stomach.  I remember sitting down before the race, trying to hide my body, ashamed that it once was lean with muscle and carried me over fast miles.  I had failed myself.  

When the race started, I lined up in the back. 8:02pm.  It was going to be my first time to run through the night.  I told myself I would run as long as I could.  

I ran this run much like I would do an ironman, just in case I went to the 5-10 hours.  I wore my HR monitor and didn't exceed 150bpm for the first 8 miles or so.  This put me in the back of the field, and that was fine.  I treated the aid station loop like I was at an ironman as well- in and out, in and out.  I maintained my no walking rule, except when I had to walk to grab fuel or go to the bathroom.  Before I knew it, I had done 20 miles, with each lap being even splits.  My body was not failing, so I decided to go for the 32.  

First loop of the course- I am in the blue shirt/red visor.  I have no idea what to expect.  And in 20 minutes we no longer have light.  

It was incredible running at night.  I have never run this long with a headlamp, and I was often alone on the trail unless passing someone or having a guy pass me.  The trail was rooty, but flat.  It was well marked, and pretty soon I new every turn like an old friend.  I started to have my favorite parts of the trail, and parts that I didn't like.  The trail is surrounded by the swamp.  I glanced at it when the sun was setting, and it freaked me out a little bit.  But, I decided to just focus on the trail.  I did almost step on a small copperhead, and we scared each other.  But otherwise, I only saw one possum and a few frogs.  (Thank goodness!)  There were so many sounds coming from the forest and swamp, and the were really loud, and I couldn't see a thing for almost 10 hours, except what was directly in front of my headlamp.  I later learned that distinct sounds, that I heard right off of the trail and very frequently, were from alligators.  And yes, at 2am, I was freaked.  It certainly kept me running.  

I left behind my anger.  I saw my thick stomach sticking out, and thought...who cares?  I am running well!  This is life.  I was grateful.  I was happy.  

Then, I hit mile 32.  For the first time in my life, I had run a 50k.  I had earned my coffee mug.  But there was still time on the clock.  I thought, this is my moment to not quit.  I will keep going.  The distance did not matter to me, but suddenly it became very important that I finish the entire 10 hours.  I broke it down again, and said...lets see if I can get to 40 miles.  I have plenty of time.  

Once I was close to 40 miles, I came upon the first place male.  At this point, I did not know who was winning what, and I certainly did not know what place I was in.  I didn't go there to compete, and I didn't expect myself to be anywhere near the front.  He asked me what loop I was on, and told me I was in 2nd place.  "Oh wow!  Second place female?"  I was so surprised!  He said no, I was in 2nd place overall and he was in 1st overall.  And then he ran off.  

At this point, I thought I could hit 48 miles based on the time I had left and the time it was taking me to complete the loops.  I kept moving on.  Around mile 42-44, my headlamp died in the middle of the woods.  I waited for one girl that was walking, and walked with her, using her light.  When another runner came upon us, I ran behind her to transition.  A volunteer gave me another headlamp, and I was off again.  I lost a little bit of time, but I didn't stress it.  The number of miles never mattered, just that I kept going. 

I also made a deal with myself.  If I came in towards the end of 10 hours, and there were 24 minutes left on the clock, I would go for another loop.  Even if I failed, I would "push off."  In swim practice with Gil, he would do these sets where we went to failure.  The problem is, I would quit before I failed.  We talked about it all of the time and how I had to work through that.  I would just stop at the wall, even though I had time to push off again and get in one more rep.  Tonight, I decided I would fail before I quit.  

So here we are in the last hour.  It is still dark.  I have just run through the night.  I have run more than I ever have in my life.  I come upon the 1st OA guy, and he is walking.  He told me he went to the well the first half of the race to beat two other guys.  They had since dropped out, and he now had the most miles so he was going to end his race as well since he had won.  But, if he dropped out after this loop, I would effectively tie him because I wasn't quitting.  He didn't care, and said we could share the win.  But, I didn't like that.  He needed to keep going, and I made him.  So we ran the next loop together.  And when the race was almost over, we had 29 minutes left.  I told him, we were going back out.  We had 29 minutes to finish 2 miles, and we were pushing off.  I didn't want to tie him, I wanted us to complete the race.  

So, Ondrej from Croatia, and I went out for one more lap.  He asked me if we could finish hand in hand, and he was incredible complimentary of my performance.  And so, we finished and in hand...50 miles for me, and 52 for him.  

There was somewhere along the trail that I realized if I didn't seize the opportunity to run 10 hours, to go for 32 miles....40 miles....50 miles...  that I may never have the chance again.  So I did it.  I just did it.  And the power of the mind is so incredible.  

I got home, and Dave asked me what I got for completing my first ultra.  Fortunately, I did get $130 gift certificate to a running store for new shoes for first female.  Dave said, "that's it?  No medal?  No plaque for 50 miles?"  Nope, nada.  LOL!  He has never cared about a medal in his whole life, but he couldn't believe I came home with nothing but a memory.  Well, that and an improved attitude.  We can always do more and do a better job.  I can do better.  

The finish line, with race director Mike Coffey.  What an incredible experience.  Life delivers just on time.  

As always, thank you to my family for encouraging me.  Thank you to Enell for the best sports bras, Wattie Ink for my race clothing that fits perfectly, and Zealios for keeping the chaffing at bay.  

I ran 50 miles!!!!!!

Ups and Downs

I have been asked often in the past couple of weeks how I like living in New Orleans.  The short answer is, I love it.  I have ingested more live music and good food in the past weeks than I did in a decade living in Memphis.  Dave and I feel like we are living amongst "our people."

The long answer is, change is hard.  I am trying to get things with work settled, and the process is arduous and frustrating.  Money is tight, and that adds extra stress to live.  I cerebrally know it will all work out, but sometimes in the moment I feel incredible stressed.

Breesy, my cat, was also hit by a car on our 3rd day here.  I feel an incredible amount of guilt and sadness over this.  We should have kept her inside longer, especially during the dark hours.   We know it is safer to keep cats indoors from cars, predators, and people.  There is certainly some regret that we feel at this point.  We rescued her as an outdoor cat, and she has lived as an outdoor/indoor cat with us for all of these years.  She stays close to home and to the dogs, and she stays out of the street.  She is not adventurous and likes to come in and out frequently.  If we force her to stay inside, she will just find a way to dart out.  Our new neighborhood is extremely outdoor cat friendly...there is an entire Facebook page set up for the outdoor cats of Algiers Point.  They are EVERYWHERE.  But despite all of this, I found her dead by the curb.  She didn't come when I called, which was incredibly odd.  I knew immediately something was not right.  She stays by the house-usually under it and close to the dogs.  It is hard when you don't know how and why your pet was hurt.  What happened?  It was so out of character.  Who hit my cat and drove off?  Finding her was such a shock and sad moment of my life, and I think about it daily.

Breesy, thank you for being such a loving friend.  I hope you did not suffer, and please know you are very, very loved.  

I was making some inroads on training.  I am incredibly out of shape, and it has been hard to wrap my head around.  But, I found myself waking up early, getting it done, and staying hopeful.  I even had a race calendar pulled up.  Last week I was ready to hit my 5:30 am solo ride, and I put my bike by the front door on the porch and punched the garmin at 5:31.  I walked 5-7 feet inside my house and did not pull the door closed all of the way.  I grabbed my helmet, bike shoes, and phone, and I put it all on.  I walked a few feet back to the front door and my bike was gone.  Literally in 60-90 seconds, my bike had been stolen.  I ran to the street and saw a bike going down the street about a block away, but there was nothing I could do to chase it down in the dark New Orleans morning in my bike shoes.  I called 911 at 5:35.  Literally only 4 minutes passed between rolling my bike out for my ride and calling 911.

Of course I am sad about my bike.  I don't have a second bike, and I don't have the ability to just purchase a new one.  It was like this huge punch to the gut as I am trying to turn things around for myself athletically.  

And more importantly, I was scared.  I was freaked out knowing that someone could have followed me into my house....that someone was right there watching me leave to ride my bike.  I feel lucky and thankful that he just wanted a bike.  

First day with my bike:)  It was such a treat because I had been racing on a road bike the entire time.  I picked out every piece and component to this bike- so much fun!

Current set up minus race wheels...just in case someone spots it....

So, no bike.  In a way it was the last thing I needed as I struggle, struggle, struggle to get back out there and find my inner athlete again- the one that I KNOW is still there- the girl that can ride fast and race hard.

But in another way it was a good thing.  It was time for a new bike, and that is the most positive way to view this all.  It will work out- it always does.

Overall change is good.  Hard...growing pains...bumps in the road...setbacks...   BUT, nothing good happens without the ability to handle change.  Nola is good, and I am still excited to give my best to my new home.

Thanks for reading!  

Finally. A Happy Run.

I had my first "good" run in probably 8 months this morning.  It was so refreshing to finally have a mentally and physically satisfying morning.  It was such comfort- like coming home to something that I love.

For a long time now, I have really struggled with all workouts.  Swimming with Gil was not progressing like we thought it should, and like history had shown us it could.  The bike, of course, has just felt awful.

Running was also taking a huge nosedive.  Normally, though, if I will just take the time to do a lot of easy running, my legs will strengthen up and things will start to feel easy again.  But for some reason, that didn't work this time.  My HR was through the roof.  Even when I made sure I kept it down and my pace was incredibly slow, I didn't feel good and couldn't get in more than a few miles.  I started to doubt myself.  Did I need to throw in some fast running and reset my system?  But how could fast running be the answer when I couldn't really do 5 easy miles.  ???

I decided this morning to try go back to my roots...the good old trails.  Pun intended :)  I woke up before dawn and drove to Audubon park to my old stomping grounds.  I typically run the 2 mile loop trail on the outside of the park.  It is shaded and rooty.  I was determined to have a nice run.  I don't care what my pace is.  I just don't want my knees to feel awful anymore.  I just don't want runs to be miserable.  So, I made sure I had a little food in me, water bottle strapped on with gels, and a cute running outfit.  (a little secret of mine:  decades ago one of my best guy friends told me that "good players look good."  I was wearing a ratty outfit to soccer practice, and he went up to his room and brought me down a better outfit.  I thought, who cares?  It is soccer practice!  I am there to play!!!  I am not into looks!!!  But his point was that the best players in the world show up with nice, matching clothes...looking and feeling good...ready to play like a professional.  I immediately went home and opened up my Soccer USA magazine and ordered new shorts and shirts.  His words still stick with me.  Now, when I want to have a good training session, I make sure I look the part.  Fake it till you make it, you know?  And, that friend went on to play in several professional leagues.  He knew what he was talking about.)

And for some reason this morning, even though I was running really slowly, I felt really good.  I enjoyed my run.  My HR stayed where it should.  I had water.  I took a gel.  Yes, on an 8 mile run, I took a gel.  I have run so much with pure runners for the past year.  I think they believe that water and calories in a run is a sign of weakness, because they do everything they can to starve their runs.  This morning, I decided whatever made me feel better, I was doing it.  I have to get past this initial bump, no matter what it takes.  And I just can't worry about low carb, no sugar, yada yada right now.  I need to just do some training that is successful.

And it worked.  8 trail miles done.  Felt good.  Had fun.

This has been a hard plateau for me.  It is hard to stay positive and not give up.  It is hard to keep getting out there and feeling terrible.  It is hard to be a shadow of my former self and not seeming to be able to break out.  I keep telling myself the story of the rock and the water.  Over time, the rock will crack with the water pressure.  I have to stay patient.

Some things I am currently using to keep myself motivated for the future of racing in my 40s, because I think that is really when I will be able to best apply myself after having young kids in the house.

1.  I never had my best race.  My best Olympic distance race was done in thunderstorm/hail lightening, with a flat tire at mile 20 that I had to soft pedal in, and a run course that was .5 miles too long.  My best half ironman was done on a super hard/hilly and extremely hot course.  And my best ironman was done in 90 degree heat on a shoulder injury that kept me out of the pool for 2 months prior.  None of these are my best.  I still haven't tapped into my best.

2.  Then I think...maybe it is too late for my best?  Maybe my best/fastest was in my 30s.  I should just let it go.  But I see so many women still racing well in their 40s.  So, racing in my 40s is there for me if I choose to go for it.  Fast times can still happen.  Thank you, to all of you women still racing that motivate me to keep bettering myself!

Here's to more happy miles and a great week!
DTR

 Outdoor baths are the way to go!  Knock it all out with fun sprinkler time followed by a good washing :)  Time saver and fun!

Isla is already in the spirit of Nola.  She picks out "twirly skirts/dresses" any time we go listen to music.  She is a festival girl already!

Backing Up Parenting

Ahhh parenting: the art of backing yourself when you really just don't know.

I am having lots of parenting questions and struggles right now.  Having a family unit that has been separated for 2.5 months is not helping the situation, and I am counting down the days when Dave comes home and we can all live under the same roof again.

My big parenting issues with an almost 3-year-old:

1.  Nap.  I have had a poor sleeper from day 1 in the hospital.  "Oh, we have never seen a baby this alert! wow!"  That seems liked a compliment, and I heard it for weeks on end at doctors'  appointments.  But what it really meant was that I would have a baby that would sleep only a fraction of the time other babies would sleep.

Here was are a few years later, and sleep issues still run our day.  In case you are wondering, yes...we still sleep with our child at night.  Dave and I switch off who sleeps with her.  (although for 3 months it has been solely me.  Get ready to make up some time, dad!).  She has been a regular napper, thank you to daycare and some handwork by our parenting unit.  It is not easy, and she fights the process, but we get them in.

So, the current struggle:   I recently had to turn down my number 1 daycare/school pick because they don't nap at 3-years-old.  And every day I am beating myself up.  Did I make the right decision?  Kids usually outgrow naps between 3-4, according to the internet, which is such an expert, right?  The internet knows everything :)  How do I know when Isla is ready to stop napping?  Do I force her to stop at 3 because I want her to go to a certain school?   I couldn't find the answer.  I wanted someone to make the decision for me, and no one took the bait.  In the end, I decided to find another program where 3-year-olds still nap.  As an athlete, we talk about sleep and rest all of the time, and how important it is for our health.  I followed this line of decision making, and boy I hope it was right.  I hated giving up a slot at such a good school (no more slots left).  And how do I know really what is best?  Let's hope I chose wisely.  And it sounds crazy to say I am choosing schools that nap.  But I guess I would also choose a school that had recess over one that didn't, so maybe it is not that crazy.

And lately it is taking me forever...as in at least 1 hour...to get Isla down for her nap.  So, I question myself time and time again.  Maybe she is ready to give them up?  Maybe I was wrong to cross out schools that didn't nap!  But then, she has a day with no nap and it is a nightmare for me OR she tries to fall asleep in the car on an errand at 4pm.  And then I think I am right.  This kid still needs to nap.  It is important.

If you don't have kids yet, just WAIT for the sleep struggles!  Better yet, sleep as much as you can right now.  Make every kid-free moment count!

2.  The general parenting issue I have is following my gut, my plan, and my desires for my family.   This move to Nola has given everyone permission to take a huge interest in my work life.  If people haven't decided who I should work for, they have at least decided how often I should work....which is all of the time.  Something about the generation above us- I can't quite put my finger on it.  Staying at home with kids was just not cool and being able to label yourself with a profession was the thing to do.

Every day.  At least once but usually more, I am asked what I am doing for work.  What is my J.O.B.

So, my general plan since having Isla has been to work, bring income to my family, and stay in touch with my profession as much as is needed, but not every day or every available hour.  Lower stress> more money. Mom+Isla> Isla in daycare.  Small house/used car> Better house/new car/financial stress.  You get the picture.  And because Dave is not in a working position for me to be a stay-at-home mom, I work.  But never has my desire been to work full days and then parenting for only 3-4 hours when not at work.  I worked full time up until having Isla.  I mean, like most of us, I have worked pretty much my whole available working life.  Since having Isla, I have oscillated between more and less hours, trying to find the sweet spot.  What I have found is a solid part time schedule, with flexibility to back off but the opportunity to take on more work, works best with my family.  When we need more $$$, I work more.  When we need me taking care of family needs, I can shift some time over to the family while still working.

The compromise is that I get more time with Isla versus a better car.  It is a no-brainer for me.

Nothing makes me feel like a lazier POS than to have conversations about how I am not seeking full time, life-sucking, no vacation because I work in health care, no benefits employment.  I feel like a criminal when I try to explain that I don't want to work 40-50 hours in a hospital and let daycare raise my child.  "But moms do it all of the time."  Yes, yes they do.  And that is great.  It is not for me.  Yes, I am trying to make ends meet with the ...gasp....part time/PRN track.  I try to tell people that I want my afternoon with my daughter.  I want to pick her up from school.  I want to take her to activities.  I want to have energy for her.   And yes, I want this more than I want a certain house, a car note, or socialite school.  No, I don't want her to go to daycare from 7:30-4:30 every day.  When did this become unacceptable for a mother?

Not doing it.

I am not lazy, although lately I wonder if people think that about me. I just love my kid and my family.  I actually like to work to work.  I love providing for my family. I just also love being around for my kid.  I don't get these years back.  As a 38-year-old mother, I just have to take the perspective I have and do my best.  I just have to back myself and do the best parenting I can do.  I would rather be upset with myself later on than to try to fit someone else's parenting ideals and feel regret if it wasn't right for me.  

The point of all of this is, no one can tell me if naps are important or how much time I should spend with her.  I GET to make that decision.  That is parenting.  No one gets to walk up to me and tell me how to do it.  And I am just now grasping that concept.  It is powerful.  I am finally feeling the power of having my own family and having some responsibility for its health, wealth, and general well-being.  It is a crazy concept, but important.  We are brought up to be critical, independent thinkers.  Then we become parents and there is so much criticism it can really shut you down.  It seems like you have to struggle for your independence as a parent at times, but really, you don't.  You just have to tune out the noise and be you.

Beach week!!!!  Isla and Virginia in their annual matching bathing suits.  

Virginia and Isla, playing it cool in their glasses.  

My sweet, almost 3-year-old, looking like a big girl! 

My beach partner!!!!!!!