Starting Back Up

Sometimes when I wait too long between blog posts, I don't know how to re-start!  The past few weeks have been wonderful, challenging, character building, and relaxing all at the same time.

First, Isla went on her first beach trip with the Roberts.  She loved being with her family, playing in the sand, and dipping into the ocean.  It was quite a wonderful experience to share her with the family.

Isla did start having some sleep regression when we went to the beach.  For about a week, she had been sleeping through most of the night, and Dave and I thought we had the whole sleep thing nailed down.  Not exactly... So, we quickly became the exhausted parents again.  We know, though, that this is totally normal, and we are happy (well, maybe the word happy is a little too positive...) to embrace this part of parenting.  One day we will all laugh about how I had the baby that never slept. 

I tried to put in some training while I was at the beach.  In past years, I have ridden 100 mile rides, ran intervals, etc.  I didn't want to train like that this year as I wanted to be with Isla and my family.  So, I tried to just do a smaller training schedule.  

It quickly unraveled, though, when we stopped getting good sleep.  We were on vacation, but we were tired.  By the end of the trip, a switch had flipped in my head (or maybe my heart?), and I suddenly doubted my desire to continue down my scheduled race path.  It just seemed that no matter how hard I tried, something seemed to interfere with my training every time.   

 

Dave and I had some good discussion, and I realized I was not doing what I needed to do to "make it happen."  I needed to be a little selfish.  I needed to make him wake up at 5am to take care of Isla so I could train, regardless of how tired he was.  I needed to really focus a good part of my day on getting things in order to train, even if that meant missing out on beach time with Isla.  I needed to make it more about me.  But in my heart, I just didn't want to. 

So, after a lot (a lot!) of deliberation and some extra consultation with people I respect, I dropped IMLOU and AGNats from the schedule.  I finally had to admit to myself that not only do I not have some of the most important tools to attack these goals (time, money, sleep and health), I also don't have the desire to battle through sub-par training to have sub-par racing.  I remember back in 2008 I ran a marathon "for fun."  Truly, I was out of shape, but I decided to just run it to see what it was like to lose the ego and run "just because."  What I discovered is that while I am fine doing 5ks and such out of shape, slow, etc.... there was nothing fulfilling about running a marathon out of shape.  Nothing at all.  I found that I was just pissed that I would do such a taxing race without giving it my best effort.  I vowed that never again would I race big when completely unprepared.  I was about to break that vow, but I caught myself just in time.  If I am not ready to give it to myself on race day, I need to just wait.  I love to race- I toe the line to race.

I also had to admit that....I just didn't care enough to "make it happen" to get in superb shape this year.  (Hard to admit, and I thought about changing my blog title!).  I realized that while it is super cool that moms come back really fast really quickly post baby, I just didn't care.  I am not willing to stop breastfeeding right now for the sake of training.  I don't want to miss out on every morning with Isla- or miss putting her to bed.  I don't want to put her in more daycare so I can train more.  My identity is not tied up in triathlon, or the way I look, or how fast I am right now, so I am cool with it taking a little longer to find my racing wings again.  

So, I am waiting!  I am going to be more patient with myself and return to doing the small things:  find consistency in daily training, get strong and heal injuries/weaknesses, and do lots of base work (didn't even start...is it too late? :).  In the meantime, I have looked up and found that I have a 1-year-old living with me!  ONE!!!!!  So frickin' awesome.   

I took a big hunk of time off, gained a few pounds, added some hours to my work schedule, and spent some more time with Dave.  I even managed to take my first trip without Isla.  I mean, it was the first time in 365 days that I had nothing to do but have fun.  And yes, it was amazing! 

 I am still reeling...did I really have that much fun?  Yes I did.  Did I really hold a $5000 chip in my hand?  Yes I did. 

Did I really party with a tranny?  On accident.  We swore "she" was a girl. 

Okay- the year is not over.  I am regrouping and finding some races that light my fire.  Will keep you posted. :)