Static

As in not moving.  Or as in the static on TV when nothing is on.  That is me!  I am so static right now, I am finding it hard to blog.
   
I have not made any progress in the exercise/training world.  That is what is tough for me right now.  There is just absolutely zero progress in strength, energy, ability to get moving.

 It is so hard to explain what is holding me back.  In honesty, I can't quite figure it out myself.  In my 28? years of being an athlete, I have just never experienced such a profound weakness.  Nothing has prepared me for this.  No surgery or injury or time on the bench had me mentally prepared to face something and feel so hopeless.


This list of challenges is so long right now, it is overwhelming and pretty hard to face.  I was trying to explain to a friend the other day why I am facing this huge, profound loss of fitness, but I realized as I was rattling off everything from the Parsonage Turner Syndrome to walking pneumonia to Epstein Barr, that I just sounded crazy!  If it sounds crazy to me, I know it sounds crazy to everyone else.

So, right now I am stuck with just being able to do some minor exercise- maybe a 30 minute jog here and there on days I feel good.  I thought I would be further along than that, but I am not.  I have a really significant loss of core strength, along with a 10 pound weight gain, so I have been trying to go to Pure Barre to work on getting all of my muscle groups engaged again.   I could care less about the weight gain, per se.  I was heavier than this in college and strong and fit.  The frustration is that the muscle is just going bye, bye, bye....

It has been extremely hard going to the classes and not being able to do 1 push up, or lift a 1 pound weight over my head from the shoulder injury.  The nerve has not regenerated, and I have absolutely no muscle function in my rotator cuff or deltoid.  It is pretty insane.  If you were to see me in this class, you would never believe that I did an ironman in May.  You would think I was just an out of shape girl, looking to lose a little weight and tone up.   

So, I came home the other night and was telling Dave how I can't even lift a single weight in class, perform a plank, do a push-up, etc.....  It was just so overwhelming to me, because no matter how many classes I attend, it doesn't get better.  I can't strengthen a muscle group that doesn't work.   I also just cannot find the energy that isn't there.  It is as if my body is completely asleep.  I am just at the hugest loss.  Dave has been amazingly supportive, and he texted me this message the following day while I was at work to lift me up:

"The thing is you know that you have the capability to attain that type of fitness.  Most don't possess that drive.  This is just a rough time in your life with health issues.  You have to remember that you and I know that you are still and will always be that person.  I love you."

And when I read that text I just feel so grateful that I married such an awesome guy and friend.  He has been absolutely key in trying to help erase the static in my life right now.  Last night when I got home from work, I was just so tired (from what?  I have never felt tired like this) and ready to do nothing.  I just don't have even a fraction of the energy that I normally have.  Dave gave me a workout...."you have to go jog 45 minutes.  I don't care how slow you go."  I was so overwhelmed....45 minutes?  Normally that would be NOTHING!  But now, it is overwhelming. 

But, I got out there and ran 10+ minute miles and didn't come back home until 45 minutes had passed.  And I was fine.  It was just hard to get out of the door. 

So, there is simply just a lot of static in my life right now.  I am trying to move through it in a positive way.  I am listening to positive speakers and reading good quotes to encourage patience.  I am going to physical therapy after Thanksgiving with a PT that works with baseball players to see if we can get anything to respond in my shoulder.  I am trying to do a little something every day, even if it is just 30 minutes of very low intensity movement.  I am accepting the fact that with injury sometimes comes depression, and weight gain is common with depression, huge loss of exercise, and dose-pack steroid type medicines that I took this year.  So, I just have to let it go and give my body a chance to rebound.  I am going to keep going to the Pure Barre classes to get my core and hips to wake-up and start participating.

Everyone has told me that I can expect at least 6 months of EBV.  So, I am really looking forward to January!

So, that is all that is going on in my static world.  I haven't give up, I just haven't moved forward.  I am still looking for my big break, and I know it will be coming around the corner eventually.  In the meantime, I just have to keep myself in check and make sure I am not letting negativity and hopelessness prevail.  

“You can start to change your luck today. Begin believing that you can have what you desire and superior things will arrive.”
― Steve Backley, The Champion in all of Us: 12 Rules for Success

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough”
― Oprah Winfrey