I Started

I should say "I started, again."  That is how it feels.  Did I ever stop?

The answer is no.  I never did stop.  I never gave up on myself.  I keep coming back.  And like Coach Tim and I talked about, I am only done when I decide to quit.  And I am not done yet. 

As of this week I started back with Coach Tim.  (Also known as Lucho, which I rarely ever call him.)  I am generally pretty private about training and coaching.  I have had a few key, pivotal coaches since I started my ironman journey.  Before that and in between key times I have been self coached.  Honestly, I had some really good years as a self-coached athlete.  I started the sport and had some good beginner races.  I rehabbed my way through a knee surgery successfully with a good season of racing to show for it.  I trained my way to run a BQ in my marathoning life.  

I have also been coached-  always remotely.  Sometimes this works and sometimes it doesn't.  The first time I tried it , it worked!  Anyone who knows me knows I have a huge amount of respect for Jen Harrison.  I send many athletes to her for coaching.  She was my very first triathlon coach and coached me to a successful first half ironman and ironman race.  I was young, naive, and full of vinegar as she would probably say.  She is a great woman.  (and there is a plug for anyone looking for a coach.  Check her out).  

Sometimes remote coaching does not work.  I dabbled (is there another word for it?) in other coaches.  I would quickly realize it was not for me.  At the worst, I would realize I was paying $$$ and they had no clue what I was doing because they didn't really look at my data that I logged diligently.  Or, I was getting a "plan" they were sending to everyone of their 50 athletes.  Or the communication just wasn't there.  Whatever the reason, it wasn't always because the coach or training philosophy was bad (although sometimes it was!).  Sometimes, it was for reasons that maybe weren't personal such as having goals post baby that didn't match my 24-hr a day crying baby situation!  Or, I was moving, my bike got stolen, etc, etc.    I have even run out of money and couldn't afford to be coached.  

I had a couple of coaches turn me down.  That stung.  It was all post baby, and they told me straight up I was just not a good fit for them.  I didn't have what it takes.  I had too many excuses.  

In the middle of all of my Ironman journey, I worked with Tim.  My best years were my years working with him.  Some of this was circumstantial.  I was out of school, had a good job, and didn't have a kid.  I was motivated like I had never been motivated in my life.  I may have been at the apex of MAKE IT HAPPEN in my life.  

But really, Tim was also a frickin' master at COACHING.  Not writing a plan.  Not writing a month long schedule.  Day to day coaching.  And true to this day, he never plans out more than a day or two at at time.  It is the gold standard for how I view coaching remotely.  

Something tells me he took me back on with trepidation.  I left him right before I had Isla.  And I left him grumpy.  I had some coach/athlete issues that upset me, but I never knew how to talk to him about it so I just got mad and walked away.  (VERY typical response from me in life....I am working on it :)  I apologized and realized I need to do better. This was nothing I ever blogged about because it is pretty personal.

But here I am.  Back with my coach and I hope this will be a very long term journey for me.  I have lots of goals and not one of them are reasonable right now.  So, I don't know if they will actually ever become goals...they may just be dreams.  There is not one bit of magic that happens here.  Right now I am running the same slow miles I have been slogging for the past 2 years.  But this time, I have someone looking over the plan.  Is the loading correct?  Am I being honest with myself about my training?  Is x,y,z going to help or hurt me?  And given my medical concerns, there is no one I would rather have reviewing my daily data to give me some feedback if there is possibly a bigger problem, which has been a concern for a long time now.

I am back to my alarm.  I am back to a decreased social life.  (Because honestly, when you have a family and want to improve as an athlete you just can't have it all.  Some choices have to be made and I guess mom's night at the bar had to get cut this week).

And this is what Coach gets.  ^^^^^Mom Special ^^^^^^  I am out of shape.  I work a lot and want to be with my family as much as I can.  But I still have that fire in me and I am willing to do what it takes for as long as it takes.  I am willing to admit I am not the athlete I used to be.  I am willing to accept that the future may look really different than the past (and maybe way slower).  But I haven't give up!

xo

The Struggle is Real

This is real talk- much like I used to do on this blog.  But, in order to clear my mind and sit down to actually blog, the entire family has to be asleep.  That time is now!

I am 40.  It is such a meaningless number, unless you are struggling with muscle loss and weight gain like I am, and then it is such an important numbers.  I am 40!!!!!!!!  AGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night Isla and I were going to a black tie party, and I tried on my 4 favorite dresses while we were getting ready.  of  You know, the awesome Christian Dior dress that is a little big on me?  Oh no...can't even zip it up now.  I ripped it trying to figure out what I couldn't get it on me.   As a matter of fact, I couldn't zip up a single one of my favorite dresses.

I am just not sure anyone here can relate!  Everyone has stayed the course with racing.  Everyone looks great, but more than looking great, everyone can move their body in functional ways to enjoy sport.  But here I am, on my 3rd year out of racing, and 40 has hit me like ton of bricks.  In the stomach and hips.  Not only can I not race right now,  I can't even fit into my clothes.

So, for this woman.  This mother.  This struggling athlete who refuses to be a has-been in this sport that is supposed to be life long, I can't fit into my clothes.  And after 40 years, I am struggling with my weight.  For the first time, I see my running pictures and cringe.  I don't want to post them.  I am embarrassed!

Whew!  That is personal.

Wonder if anyone else can relate.

My solution is more lifting for sure.  My solution is working with a coach again, because what I have been doing for 2 years is not working, so I need some objective assistance.  My solution is working on my nutrition.  (and I will save for another blog post why it is hard for me, coming from a family with a high percentage of eating disorders, to put a lot of focus on nutrition).  My solution is to continue to be honest about how difficult it can be to face the changes of an aging body BUT no make excuses.  My solution is to be kind to myself as I am to others.

xo

A New Start

I am going to re-design this blog.  I realized I don't want to stop blogging, it is just that I don't recognize this space anymore.  I started this blog in my late 20s.  I was blogging about training hard, finding my fastest self in races, and drinking wine with my girlfriends in Memphis.

Now, I am 40 years old and finding health, redefining myself, and hoping to find a place for me in the racing world while giving as much time as I possibly can to my job as a physical therapist and family.  I am virtually unrecognizable when placed next to the pictures of the racing girl on this page.  My heart is still the same, but my days look very different.  

And since life just looks different, so should this blog.  Give me a little time and it is done.  It is the next step.

I have decided to close out this year with as many positive things as I can.  Every month.  Every dang month I am going to make something awesome happen.

September 2018:

I am now a certified RRCA coach.  I have never felt at home like I did in this course.  I already knew the material they presented like the back of my hand...because it is on my bookshelf tattered and underlined through the years and books of reading I have done simply because I love running.   It was not that I did not learn anything new.  I did!  It is just that I was thrilled with how much I already did know.  In the coaching course I felt strong.  I felt knowledgeable.  I felt like a leader.  Following your passion is just simply awesome.

For the remainder of September I plan to hike some of the Appalachian Trail to clear my mind and heart.  I will then be back home with a clear mind and readiness to move forward to the next place.