My last post was May of 2022. I did quite a bit of racing that year, ending with the Ironman 70.3 World Championships in Utah. The year was okay. I had lots of podiums, including Lubbock 70.3 and local races. Overall, I was grateful. Racing wasn't quite the experience it used to be. I had joined a lovely and fast regional team, but I didn't have any local training partners. I was training in almost complete solitude, which didn't hold much of a spark for me. I was doing what I know to do, which was race, but honestly, life was not clicking for me. I was lonely in my marriage. I was lonely as I worked 3 jobs and raised my 2 and 8 year olds. I was moving, but going nowhere.
Fast forward 2 years. Dave's mom was hit by a car while completing her morning walk and thrown over the side of a major bridge over a water way that is part of the Mississippi River. She died instantly, and most of Dave's soul died that day too. We were already struggling. We struggled more. We never stopped struggling. We spent 2 years making the painful journey down the path of divorce.
And while I am going to resurrect this blog and talk about divorce, being a single mom to two young kids, the struggles of finance after divorce, the heartache of loss of a 26 year long romantic relationship, the fear of the unknown, and the absolute physical toll of divorce, today, I am just going to talk about...
Walking.
And how I have walked my way through this divorce.
Because for 2 years I stopped sleeping. 2-3 hours was all I could string together, no matter how hard I tried. I start drinking large amounts of coffee to make it through work and parenting. I started drinking coffee in the afternoon. I continued to lift, run, and ride as a I could. Sometimes it was consistent. Sometimes it wasn't. I would eat clean and train well...and gain weight. I had symptoms of perimenopause on top of all of this, with loss of muscle becoming concerning. And, I felt anxious and sad. My body was not happy.
And, I no longer look or felt like myself. I went from a World Championship to being completely unfit. I didn't race again. I couldn't find the fire to "train." In what felt like an instant, my lifelong identity as an athlete had been stripped from me. I tried to hang on. I willed it back. I begged it to stay. But, many parts of my life had moved on without me.
So I walked. Every day on my lunch break I walked. I would walk and listen to music and cry. I would walk and listen to podcasts on how to get through this time. I would walk and call a couple of friends that became my "walking buddies." My lunch goal was 2 miles. It was all I could fit in with the time I am allowed at lunch. I started enjoying my walks so much I started walking in the mornings or evenings too, if time allowed. If I caught an extra 15 minutes somewhere, I went for a walk. When I was waiting for a flight at the airport, I walked up and down the terminals. I was now a walker.
Sometimes I would run. Some runs felt good. I even ran 2 x 50ks and 1 x 25k races in the middle of all of this mess. I didn't train for them, I would just show up. My body wasn't ready, but my brain enjoyed the trails and the time...the suffering and the pushing beyond what I should be doing. But, the spark did not light right back to up to become a runner again.
Here is what I learned:
My nervous system was wrecked. I went from 2 years of breastfeeding and having a baby (sleepless nights) straight to 2 years of relationship loss (more sleepless nights). My cortisol was sky high, my hormones were depleted, muscle had fallen off of my body as if I was never even an athlete, and I didn't sleep. Walking, for me, was the first step in repairing the damage.
The second step was a meditation and journaling practice. I have become diligent with this for many months now, and I am absolutely seeing the results, especially with meditation. I can access my third eye. I can create and cut chords with others. I can forgive myself. I can visualize and cry. I can just slow down. If I am not careful, I can impressively fall asleep in 3-5 minutes, which is amazing for someone that hasn't been sleeping for a long time.
Finally, I was ready to take the next step, which was to decrease the caffeine. I slowly moved to decaf coffee in the morning. And you know what? I am still there. I feel more tired during the day, but I am also sleeping at night. I figured, maybe I am supposed to feel tired. Going through a divorce should be exhausting.
Now I am a big believer in resetting my nervous system. While some people use swim, bike, run training as an outlet (I know I did for a long time!), for me, I just had to walk. Anything else was unsustainable and too intense for my nervous system.
Now I am back to light training, but I haven't stopped walking. It continues to be a part of my work day, and I am amazed at how much I look forward to the 2 miles. I rarely cry on my walks now. I listen to podcasts where I can learn and grow. I still call friends. Or, sometimes I turn it all off and listen for sounds of nature.
And I feel like I have found this secret, ancient skill. It is so simple, and so effective. I am inspired to go hike, and I no longer fear hiking alone.
And eventually, I know this will lead me back to running. My hikes will become trail runs. I may even race again. But, I know it will look different. It will take a long time for me to get fit enough to race or train at any sort of level from my past. And walking will help me process this.
Thank you to my friends for all of the love and support through the years. I still need it, and still appreciate you.
xo
Damie
