Walking Through Divorce

My last post was May of 2022.  I did quite a bit of racing that year, ending with the Ironman 70.3 World Championships in Utah.  The year was okay.  I had lots of podiums, including Lubbock 70.3 and local races.  Overall, I was grateful.  Racing wasn't quite the experience it used to be.  I had joined a lovely and fast regional team, but I didn't have any local training partners.  I was training in almost complete solitude, which didn't hold much of a spark for me.  I was doing what I know to do, which was race, but honestly, life was not clicking for me.  I was lonely in my marriage.  I was lonely as I worked 3 jobs and raised my 2 and 8 year olds.  I was moving, but going nowhere.  

Fast forward 2 years.   Dave's mom was hit by a car while completing her morning walk and thrown over the side of a major bridge over a water way that is part of the Mississippi River.  She died instantly, and most of Dave's soul died that day too.  We were already struggling.  We struggled more.  We never stopped struggling.  We spent 2 years making the painful journey down the path of divorce.  

And while I am going to resurrect this blog and talk about divorce, being a single mom to two young kids, the struggles of finance after divorce, the heartache of loss of a 26 year long romantic relationship, the fear of the unknown, and the absolute physical toll of divorce, today, I am just going to talk about...

Walking.  

And how I have walked my way through this divorce.  

Because for 2 years I stopped sleeping.  2-3 hours was all I could string together, no matter how hard I tried.  I start drinking large amounts of coffee to make it through work and parenting.  I started drinking coffee in the afternoon.  I continued to lift, run, and ride as a I could.  Sometimes it was consistent.  Sometimes it wasn't.  I would eat clean and train well...and gain weight.  I had symptoms of perimenopause on top of all of this, with loss of muscle becoming concerning.   And, I felt anxious and sad.  My body was not happy.

And, I no longer look or felt like myself.  I went from a World Championship to being completely unfit.  I didn't race again.  I couldn't find the fire to "train."  In what felt like an instant, my lifelong identity as an athlete had been stripped from me.  I tried to hang on.  I willed it back.  I begged it to stay.  But, many parts of my life had moved on without me.

So I walked.  Every day on my lunch break I walked.  I would walk and listen to music and cry.  I would walk and listen to podcasts on how to get through this time.  I would walk and call a couple of friends that became my "walking buddies."  My lunch goal was 2 miles.  It was all I could fit in with the time I am allowed at lunch.  I started enjoying my walks so much I started walking in the mornings or evenings too, if time allowed.  If I caught an extra 15 minutes somewhere, I went for a walk.  When I was waiting for a flight at the airport, I walked up and down the terminals.  I was now a walker.  

Sometimes I would run.  Some runs felt good.  I even ran 2 x 50ks and 1 x 25k races in the middle of all of this mess.  I didn't train for them, I would just show up.  My body wasn't ready, but my brain enjoyed the trails and the time...the suffering and the pushing beyond what I should be doing.  But, the spark did not light right back to up to become a runner again.  

Here is what I learned:

My nervous system was wrecked.  I went from 2 years of breastfeeding and having a baby (sleepless nights) straight to 2 years of relationship loss (more sleepless nights).  My cortisol was sky high, my hormones were depleted, muscle had fallen off of my body as if I was never even an athlete, and I didn't sleep.  Walking, for me, was the first step in repairing the damage.

The second step was a meditation and journaling practice.  I have become diligent with this for many months now, and I am absolutely seeing the results, especially with meditation.  I can access my third eye.  I can create and cut chords with others.  I can forgive myself.  I can visualize and cry.  I can just slow down.  If I am not careful, I can impressively fall asleep in 3-5 minutes, which is amazing for someone that hasn't been sleeping for a long time.

Finally, I was ready to take the next step, which was to decrease the caffeine.  I slowly moved to decaf coffee in the morning.  And you know what?  I am still there.  I feel more tired during the day, but I am also sleeping at night.  I figured, maybe I am supposed to feel tired.  Going through a divorce should be exhausting.  

Now I am a big believer in resetting my nervous system.  While some people use swim, bike, run training as an outlet (I know I did for a long time!), for me, I just had to walk.  Anything else was unsustainable and too intense for my nervous system.  

Now I am back to light training, but I haven't stopped walking.  It continues to be a part of my work day, and I am amazed at how much I look forward to the 2 miles.  I rarely cry on my walks now.  I listen to podcasts where I can learn and grow.  I still call friends.  Or, sometimes I turn it all off and listen for sounds of nature.  

And I feel like I have found this secret, ancient skill.  It is so simple, and so effective.  I am inspired to go hike, and I no longer fear hiking alone.  

And eventually, I know this will lead me back to running.  My hikes will become trail runs.  I may even race again.  But, I know it will look different.  It will take a long time for me to get fit enough to race or train at any sort of level from my past.  And walking will help me process this.  

Thank you to my friends for all of the love and support through the years.  I still need it, and still appreciate you.

xo

Damie 

Tri Season Underway: Tradition Triathlon

I must say I have been excited to start triathlon season.  First race out was Tradition Triathlon, a sprint in Mississippi.  It was a team race as well, with almost all of the women on our team racing.  The great thing about my new team is the women are FAST.  I am way down the totem pole...small fish in a big pond.  It is inspiring, and I am thankful to be on such a good team.  I knew the race would be tough, and honesty I know that overall placings are just not going to be the norm for me anymore.  So, I am finding my way as an aging triathlete, just setting my own, new goals.  

My main goal was to back my run.  I did a 5k about a month ago, and I ran the fastest time I had in years with no specific run training over the winter.  That excited me.  Maybe my run is coming back a bit?  Spoiler alert, it really didn't.  

Swim 7th female:  It always seems fine, but when I get the garmin data, I am way off course every time compared to everyone else.  I can't figure it out as I think sighting is something I am good at.  Thank gosh for wetsuit strippers at this race because I have had a lot of trouble getting my wetsuit off.  Otherwise it was uneventful.  

Bike 1st female:  1st!!!  Yes!!!  My bike is coming back!  I credit most of this to eliminating my back pain from last year.  I didn't train many miles over the winter, so I think so much of my bike was just about consistency, lack of pain, and....position.  I have been listening to a lot of Matthew Bottrill podcasts lately and have decided to focus on staying as tucked in as possible.  Why not?  Why not work on aero drills?  I need to take speed where I can get it.  I am not low on my bike as I still baby my back a bit, but I spent the race really keeping my head and shoulders in a good position.  Maybe over time I will drop the front end a little more.

I came out of transition and immediately I had a teammate pass me.  This is a girl that has beaten me most of the time we race together, so I just decided to gather myself and race!  I passed her back, got on the course, and just went for it.  

And this is me coming into transition and looking at the guy yelling at me I could not turn here!  I thought it was the bike in area, but it wasn't.  I had to go around.  I lost some time not knowing the transition and course, so PSA...study your bike out and ins!

 

Run 7th female:  It was not the run I wanted in some ways.  I started off trying to get in a gel.  I had wanted to take a gel on the bike, right before the run so I didn't have to worry about it running.  But, I wasn't able to get the gel opened on the bike.  So, I grabbed an extra gel in transition and started running.  But, what I think I would like to do next race is eliminate the gel on the run.  I need all of the focus on forward propulsion and just can't have any distractions.  

So, I run, fumble around taking in a gel, and start with an 8:30 something mile.  I am not even really focusing on pace, which maybe was a mistake because I think I am going for it.  But the next mile I get to 7:40, and it is more uphill. Same with the 3rd mile.  So, I just had a bad first mile- a 50 second difference is just yikes.  I mean, that is too much.  It was the gravel, the gel, my inability to start off quicker, etc, etc. 

I can see that most of my teammates are running incredibly well and they are in a different league.  I try to hold off of the women behind me.  I also realized with this race it is time for me to start further up in the swim TT start.  I am too far back in the swim start, and that prevents me from having people to run with and push with on the run.  

Finish:  6th Overall Female and 1st Masters... 2 seconds out of 5th and 6 seconds out of 4th.  

And you know, I felt pretty frustrated with my run at first.  I was grumpy.  If I could run with the rest of the women, I would be placing much higher.   If I could have just been about 8 seconds faster, I would have moved up a couple of places.  My swim and bike are there, but my run just sends me backwards. 

But then, I realized that I am doing great!  Everything is such a process and it isn't perfect.  After so much time off, I am just re-learning the sport, setting new goals, and learning to meet my body where it is and maybe develop some new tactics.  So, my frustration with my run was honestly replaced with gratitude.  It gives me more to work on, and I will continue to just be consistent.  There is always something to learn and something to work on.  It is what makes this sport great!  The years off, although didn't seem like a good thing at the time, maybe have been a big blessing because I am so happy to be back.  

My team did amazing, putting 8 women in the top 10.  It is so refreshing to be around women that love this sport as I do.  

On to the next race- Crawfishman Tri in a few weeks.  My goal will be simple- go faster on the same course than I did last year.  

xo

Last Race of the Year/December: Florida 70.3

I haven't been sure if I had the ability or time to return to long course racing, but somewhere towards the end of the summer I just needed a different challenge.  I was stagnant in my sprint racing, and while I was enjoying it, I also just didn't see myself improving if I continued to do what I was doing.  I kept looking at the 70.3 race calendar, even though I was not remotely in shape to do one.  I kept coming back to Florida 70.3.  It would be in December, so it would be on the cooler side.  😏 (not true).  I would also get a couple of months of cooler weather for training in Nola.  (maybe not cool, but they were better.)  I could drive there, which is a huge bonus.   I thought, this is a good way to end the year.  Let's give it a try. 

I asked a good friend of mine, Jeff Fejfar, to help me the last 2 months get ready to just show up healthy and ready to complete the distance.  It was a big ask and I didn't give him a lot of time.  I also didn't have a power meter, a really great bike trainer, a bike that fit, good pool access, etc, etc.   As a coach, I realize how challenging this was to ask of someone.  But, he was a great listener and willing to work with me where I was.  He has known me for a long time, and I think he was pretty shocked to see my starting point which was well below what he expected.  I was also slow to grow, which was a little tough too.  But, by the time the race came, he felt pretty confident I would have a good race, whatever that meant.  He said, " You're in a better place than you think."

Dave took this picture when I wasn't paying attention.  He loves it and says I looked so focus and strong.  But, I clearly remember thinking at this moment that I forgot...again...to look at the number of buoys on the swim course.  Ha!  

Swim 39:42:  My slowest swim ever- wetsuit or not.  I looked at my watch, saw the time, and thought...well, oh well.  I did the best I could.  I was a little disappointed, but I also know swimming owes me nothing.  Overall, the swim was fine.  I need more practice in my wetsuit, as I did feel restricted.  I am generally a pretty straight swimmer, but I think I struggled a little bit to stay on course.  But, nothing big happened.  Honestly, it was one of the nicest swims I have ever had as far as very little contact with others.  I just have been very slow in the pool and can only go a maximum of 2 x per week due to work, and the lack of swimming showed this year.  

I got out of the water, and for the first time ever Dave gives me a split!  Like he was actually paying attention and caring!   He tells me he thinks I am in the top 10 AG, which is exciting.  I never really know where I am in a race so that was a nice little motivator.  I struggle to get my wetsuit off, again.... but I feel pretty happy and ready to go ride.  

Dave...actually paying attention to the race and finding me in transition.  It only took 15 years! 

Ride:  2:40:38.  One of my slower bike splits, but I was happy.  I really felt like I could not have asked for anything more. My main concern was my back.  I have had intense back pain all year, which has really limited my training.  I got another fit literally right before the race, and changed the saddle a week out.  It was a huge risk.  I could really be miserable out there since I hadn't tested the set up.  But, I was so fortunate that the changes I made last minute worked in my favor.  I felt good out there and had just the tiniest back discomfort, which was completely manageable.  I felt strong and smooth.  I didn't pay attention to pace and didn't know my overall time, but I just made sure to check from time to time that my HR was in a reasonable place. That's it!  No power or pace, just RPE and HR checks.  

It is a one loop course that is pretty much just easy rollers.  The streets are perfect compared to where I ride, and the wind was nothing compared to what I ride in every day.   So, I was really enjoying myself.  I saw very little drafting.  (But I later found out the race, even though sold out, had a smaller field.  So, maybe that was the difference?). Actually everyone on the course was great.  Guys would give me compliments when I passed them.  I would cheer on other women as I came through.  To be honest, I just had such a positive experience here.  I have been in so many races where I have yelled at guys for drafting.  That just didn't happen to me here.  

I think I got my fueling right (maybe about 600 calories in fluid and 400-500 in gels and 200 in blocks.  So approx 1200-1300/400 hr).  No issues there.  But, I did notice the heat was coming on, so I knew I needed to get off of the bike soon and start the run as soon as I could.   

Run:  1:55:08.  This is also my second slowest run ever, but I wasn't totally aware of that as I just didn't look at overall time.  As I went out onto the run, I knew the heat would get some people.  A guy that came off the bike with me just took off, and I noticed that and realized there was no way I could do that.  My run has been suspect, and I can't pretend it is any better than it is.  I settled into an effort that seemed to be something I could hold the whole race, which was around 8:50 to 9-ish pace.  (Jeff had thought I would be faster than that- more like 8:20 pace based on training, but I just had a feeling with the years off and the heat that I would be on the slower side). 

 

For those of you that know Florida 70.3, you know it is not flat like advertised.  You almost immediately go up 2 big hills in the first 1.5 mile.  Most people were walking, but I made sure to run/jog the whole way.  It is really a mental thing for me, and I have a rule of no walking unless I need to in order to get nutrition.  

By mile 3, I really needed to use the bathroom.  I knew I had to diarrhea...something that has plagued me in long distance racing for every single ironman and maybe 50% of 70.3s I do.  I am not sure if the issue comes from the drink mix, the blocks, or just general stomach upset with a big effort.  I get it when I do longer runs and harder efforts in training too.  This time I got to a porta potty maybe around mile 4, lost just 1 minute in there, and felt 100 x better and ready to run again.  

The course is 2 loops and pretty open with very little shade.  Temps were 85, which is not as hot as a summer race, but certainly isn't ideal.  I did all of the ice tricks...ice in hands and ice down my top whenever I could get it.  I wasn't catching any girls, and by the time I hit loop two, it was impossible to figure out who was on loop 1 and loop 2.  (Something ironman could easily improve in the USA by doing arm bands like they did at IM Wales).   I did pass the guy that blew past me at mile 1, and I could see many people cramping and slowing.  I really think these long distances are interesting.  The really, really strong runners just gobble up these courses.  The people that aren't quite as strong and get their pacing wrong just explode.  You really have to know who you are and your capabilities.  

As I approached the 2nd lap, I was ready to see Dave and get some cheers.  I really needed some.  I was slow and tired.  I looked for him for a mile, thinking maybe he was just waiting for me a bit further up the road.  I just knew a smile and a "good job...keep going!" would make the 2nd loop great.  Well, the little stinker...my only cheerleader...wasn't there.  He didn't realize the course was two laps.  So, I started my 2nd lap thinking..."He only had one job...."

I didn't get any faster, but I didn't slow down.  I staved off cramps and made it to the finish with a pretty steady effort.  The course was a tiny bit short and seemed to be about 12.9 miles when I compared everyone's Garmin data.  Not that I was complaining, because I was really ready to be done. 

One thought I remember having on the run course is that I only need to do one of these a year.  At least in my current condition, that is all my body could probably tolerate.  I also wondered how I ever did ironman, and how I ever ran ironman marathons faster than how I was running this half.  How did my body do that?  I told myself my ironman days may be over and a half may be all I do going forward.  We will see if I stick with that.  

Finish time:  5:22:09.  My second slowest half ironman time ever, but one that I am proud of because it was very steady.  I went in with ZERO expectations.  I told Dave to really cheer me on if I was at the bottom of my AG, because I felt like that was a real possibility.  I knew there was very little chance I would be competitive based on my results from the prior months.  To be honest, I just didn't want to embarrass myself.  

So, imagine my surprise to find out I was 3rd in my AG when I finished.  You can only race the course and conditions one the day, and you can only race who shows up on the day, and somehow my effort landed me near the top of my AG.  

To top off the unexpected award, I then got a 70.3 World Championship slot to St. George as they had 3 for my AG.  I guess I will now be training for another half IM next year.  

Cheers!  On to the 2022 races.